‘They wanted to do it as quickly as possible’: Families face emotional challenges of having a funeral during COVID-19
“My mental state was bad. I literally feel like I’ve been in a war zone.”
Jamaica Plain resident Kate accepted that the day would come when her grandmother, who had been sick for a while, would pass away. But she never imagined she would be unable to attend her funeral.In the age of the COVID-19 outbreak, Kate, and others, are dealing with not just the loss of a loved one, but also the shock of not being able to be around family to support each other as they grieve.For Kate, who asked Boston.com to use just her first name to maintain her privacy, the only thing she could do was ask her mother to say something at the small graveside service on her behalf.A Georgia native, Kate has lived in Boston for about 10 years. Her parents still live in Georgia, and her grandmother, who had suffered debilitating strokes, was living in a nursing home in Tennessee. Kate’s sister is further away – she lives in Hawaii.“I’m literally 1,000 miles away from my closest relative,” Kate said. Boston feels like home, but it’s when family matters arise that she feels the distance.
Minimizing the COVID-19 risk
It was on March 18 or 19 when Kate called her mother only to find that she and Kate’s father were driving from Georgia to Tennessee. Staff at Kate’s grandmother’s nursing home said that she didn’t have much time left; she died around 4 p.m. on March 21, and her death is believed to have been from natural causes, not COVID-19-related, Kate said. Kate’s grandmother was around 86 years old – she noted that her grandmother would never tell anyone her actual age.“It was at that point that I knew that I wouldn’t be able to be there for them,” Kate said. “For me, it was a lot less being there for my grandmother than it was being there to support my mom, and be there for her for that process.”Since her grandmother had had long-term health problems, Kate said she had already accepted that the loss would come, but she always planned on heading south for the service, being there with her family, and speaking at the funeral.But COVID-19 took all of that away.“You can’t do any of that,” she said.Kate’s parents decided to plan for a small graveside service soon after her grandmother’s death. In fact, it was at 2 p.m. the following day. The idea was to have it before more family members might rush to be there, a gathering that could endanger others during a time when social distancing is thought to be a way to stop the spread of the disease.“They didn’t want to create a risk, and they also were worried about whether or not there would be some sort of shelter in place,” Kate said. “Or, you know, if everything gets shut down, how terrible not to have had the service. They wanted to do it as quickly as possible.”
Grieving from a distance
Sadly, Kate is not alone in her loss of family comfort during grief.The family of Anup Singh, 71, of Pittsfield, who died of COVID-19, gathered in the parking lot of Vong’s Thai Cuisine, stood outside their vehicles and wore masks across the street from the hospital, according toThe Berkshire Eagle. They were able to watch as Singh’s body was placed in a hearse, but they were unable to go to the crematorium.Then, using a WhatsApp video call — which allowed for family members who live in India, and elsewhere, to watch — a worker at the funeral home allowed the family to see what was happening at the crematorium, including as the fire was turned on for the cremation, according to the newspaper. Being of Hindu faith, it was important for the family to make sure Singh’s soul had safely vacated his body.“To have such a sudden loss and no funeral,” Samta Ghai told The Berkshire Eagle. “My mental state was bad. I literally feel like I’ve been in a war zone.”
Funerals during COVID-19
With public gatherings limited to 10 people under Gov. Charlie Baker’s stay-at-home order, funerals have followed suit.Robert Lawler, who owns and operates Robert J. Lawler and Crosby Funeral Home and Cremation Service in West Roxbury, said no more than 10 people are allowed to gather there for a family’s private viewing.“What we’re doing is mostly graveside services at the cemetery or cremations with a service later on,” he told Boston.com. “That would take place when we get the all clear.”Families have been understanding about delaying services, something Lawler called “remarkable.”He said the funeral home is working on getting live streaming available. Staff are also making sure the funeral home is cleaned regularly.“We’re taking universal precautions,” Lawler said.The Massachusetts Funeral Directors Association said in a statement that it has been in contact with state and federal officials, and locally, funeral homes are working to stay up to date with new information. Officials also stressed the importance of social distancing.“Our sympathies go out to anyone who has the additional burden of grief and loss during this time, and we are here to guide each family with their particular needs on an individual basis,” part of the statement said. “We encourage bereaved families to work with their funeral director to create meaningful services that fall within the governor’s emergency order of limiting large public gatherings.”
‘I let myself cry as much as I needed to’
For Kate, the inability to grieve with her family has been challenging.“I let myself cry as much as I needed to, and I talked through really what I was so upset about with my husband, who’s been very supportive, about how frustrated I was and how unfair it felt,” she said.She’s tried to think of ways to honor her grandmother, but she said a lot of those involve doing things that are prohibited right now with social distancing. She also said making a donation or sending flowers just didn’t feel right.One thing she’s thought of, and wants to do once the virus threat has passed, is to have a new penpal, perhaps a senior around her grandmother’s age. Kate wrote to her grandmother regularly, and though her grandmother couldn’t write back due to her health, getting something in the mail can be uplifting, Kate said.She has also thought a lot about a prayer her grandmother used to say, and noted how relevant it is right now.“There was a prayer that my grandmother always put at the end of every prayer: ‘And keep us ever mindful of the needs of others,’ and I feel like that’s never been more true than it is now,” Kate said. “And I hope that we can do that as we go through this difficult time.”
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