When Your Spouse is Brought into the Interview Process – Elaine Varelas Reflects
For better or worse, your spouse is a reflection on your character and may become a part of your interview process.
Q: I’ve had several interviews with the CEO and staff of a new startup that I’d be excited to join. These interviews have gone well, and I was confident I’d get the offer. Yesterday the CEO invited me to dinner—with both of our spouses. Is this some sort of test? Is my spouse being interviewed as well? I don’t want to miss this opportunity, but I’ve never been in this situation. Is this normal?A:
Yes, this is normal and yes, this is a test. Your spouse is being interviewed, in a way. Most likely, you’re being considered for an executive position, and the organization wants to know more about you: What your life outside of work is like, how you treat family, if you’re going to have support at home, and if you’re someone they would be comfortable bringing into the community as a representative of the company. For better or for worse, your spouse is reflective of you, so consider this a live background check.
This situation often occurs for senior-level roles and especially if a relocation is involved. Companies want to meet a desired candidate’s spouse because spouses are usually the biggest obstacle to a getting an offer accepted and securing a successful relocation. If the company is a start-up, you’re probably looking at long hours and an “all hands on deck” culture, so the CEO wants to make sure your spouse understands the demands of the role and is agreeable to and supportive of that. Part of the goal of this dinner is to win your spouse over and see if there are any glaring obstacles to you accepting the position.
You now owe it to your spouse to prepare him or her for the dinner. Provide pictures of key players so your spouse can put a name to a face, make sure he or she can pronounce any difficult names, and—most importantly—ensure that your spouse feels comfortable speaking positively about your commitment to and excitement about the job. Make sure they are comfortable talking about you in a positive light and recognize this is not the time to air grievances or show a sarcastic sense of humor about being married. Find out as much as you can about any potentially sensitive topics that might come up (politics, religion), and if there are any areas you think are off limits, give your spouse a way to turn it over to you without causing any discomfort: “That’s very interesting. Spouse, you’ve had some interesting thoughts about this….” Do your research on the CEO and his or her spouse—anything you can do to prepare will make the evening go smoothly.
There are some practical things to consider, too. Bottom line: Don’t drink too much and don’t order spaghetti. The rules of etiquette are very important in this situation, so refresh your knowledge ahead of time. Know whose water glass and bread plate is whose and what fork to use with salad. These may seem like small things, but they are noticeable and make a difference—I’ve known people who didn’t get job offers because of improper table manners. You can also take cues from your dinner companions. If they order a glass of wine, then it’s appropriate to also have a glass—but don’t start suggesting expensive bottles or rounds of martinis. Order something you can be elegant eating. As the guest, you’ll likely have to order first, but you don’t want to order the most—or least—expensive thing. Ask your host “Have you eaten here before? What do you recommend? What are you interested in?” to get a clue about what’s appropriate. They will often take the lead and say something like “I’m going to order the salmon,” so follow their guidance and order something in a similar vein.
Enjoy the dinner, but do take appropriate steps to prepare yourself and your spouse for a seamless evening—brush up on etiquette, prepare some talking points, keep the drinking to a minimum, and be nice to the wait staff!
