In Honor of the Kentucky Derby: A Definitive Ranking of Horses
Spoiler alert: The coconuts from Monty Python did not come in at number one.
The Kentucky Derby is today, and I, for one, am excited. Mostly because I get to wear a hat and high heels in Boston without getting weird looks (we put the “casual’’ in “city’’). But also because I love a good Mint Julep, and it’s fun to pretend to care about horse racing for approximately two minutes every year.
But I’m most excited because it means that a ranking of horses has a place and a time, and that time is now and the place is here.
The horses here were ranked on a scale of 1-10 in four categories:
1. Their importance in history
2. Their contribution to society
3. How endearing they are
4. How powerful they are
The scores were then aggregated to come up with a final ranking. I have also included a famous quote from each horse.
Oh, Robin.
10. Pharfignewton, the Horse from Robin Hood: Men in Tights
Importance in history: 0
Contribution to society: 0
Endearing quotient: 10
Power quotient: 0
Total score: 10
Famous quote: “The author of this article really likes Men in Tights, which is why I’m even in this roundup at all.’’
Gandalf’s like, “I could reallllly use one of those scary horses right now.’’
9. The Scary Horses from The Lord of the Rings
Importance in history: 5
Contribution to society: 0
Endearing quotient: 0
Power quotient: 10
Total score: 15
Famous quote: “You will have nightmares about us after you watch the movies. In the books, we’re not as terrifying.’’
“You’re using coconuts!’’
8. The coconuts from Monty Python and the Holy Grail
Importance in history: 0
Contribution to society: 10
Endearing quotient: 8
Power quotient: 0
Total score: 18
Famous quote: “*coconut sounds*’’
Well this is a horrifying photograph.
7. The Headless Horseman’s Horse
Importance in history: 10
Contribution to society: 0
Endearing quotient: 0
Power quotient: 10
Total score: 20
Famous quote: “I’m even scarier than the horses from Lord of the Rings.’’
Icons.
6. One of the Horses from My Little Pony
Importance in history: Debatable
Contribution to society: 8
Endearing quotient: 10
Power quotient: 5
Total score: 23
Famous quote: “My dearest teacher, my continuing studies of pony magic have lead me to discover that we are on the precipice of disaster.’’ (That’s actually a quote)
The Disney On Ice version of Bullseye, because that’s funnier.
5. Bullseye, Woody’s horse from Toy Story
Importance in history: 8
Contribution to society: 10
Endearing quotient: 10
Power quotient: 0
Total score: 28
Famous quote: He never spoke, but his poignant looks said it all.
This is what the Metropolitan Opera thought it would’ve looked like.
4. The Trojan Horse
Importance in history: 10
Contribution to society: 10 (if you were a Greek, that is)
Endearing quotient: 0
Power quotient: 10
Total score: 30
Famous quote: “You guys are so screwed.’’
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3. Mister Ed
Importance in history: 8
Contribution to society: 10
Endearing quotient: 10
Power quotient: 3
Total score: 31
Famous quote: “A horse is a horse, of course, of course.’’
Majestic.
2. Black Beauty (tied with Pegasus and Paul Revere’s horse)
Importance in history: 8
Contribution to society: 9
Endearing quotient: 10
Power quotient: 5
Total score: 32
Famous quote: “Men were both brutes and blockheads.’’
Note: This is not the actual Paul Revere, nor is it his actual horse.
2. Paul Revere’s horse (tied with Pegasus and Black Beauty)
Importance in history: 10
Contribution to society: 10
Endearing quotient: 6
Power quotient: 8
Total score: 32
Famous quote: “All due respect, Mr. Revere, but you reek of booze. Are you sure you should be riding?’’
I mean, I guess it looks like a horse?
2. Pegasus (tied with Paul Revere’s horse and Black Beauty)
Importance in history: 10
Contribution to society: 10
Endearing quotient: 5
Power quotient: 10
Total score: 35
Famous quote: “Look up.’’
Seabiscuit, with jockey Red Pollard, in 1937
1. Seabiscuit
Importance in history: 10
Contribution to society: 10
Endearing quotient: 10
Power quotient: 8
Total score: 38
Famous quote: “I am a symbol of hope during the Great Depression. You’re welcome.’’
Not Ranked (because they’re not horses)
Paul Bunyan’s Babe the Blue Ox
Herbie the Love Bug
A mango
Centaurs
The Indianapolis Colts
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