In Chestnut Hill, ‘mall’ is a four-letter word
What do you call a cluster of stores located inside a large building?
If you guessed “mall,’’ you’re right.
Unless, of course, you’re in Chestnut Hill, a community of people so wealthy and coddled that they cannot bring themselves to frequent anything adorned with a sign that says “mall.’’
Everyone calls it The Chestnut Hill Mall. But the mall’s actual name is “The Mall at Chestnut Hill.’’ And apparently that didn’t even sound pretentious enough, because now the mall is getting a new name: “The Shops at Chestnut Hill.’’
Malls are for the masses. Malls are for regular people.
But the residents of Chestnut Hill are not regular people.
And “The Mall at Chestnut Hill’’ didn’t exude enough richness.
The mall’s current facade is thought not to “reflect the upscale and intimate environment’’ that lies within.
After all, the mall houses the only Bloomingdale’s in Massachusetts, where you can purchase a Burberry trench coat for your infant. And would an infant wearing a tiny designer trench coat be caught dead in a mall? Probably not.
To ensure that the mall’s customers aren’t tainted by the trauma of being seen spending money at a mall, the mall’s owners have come up with a genius scheme.
Simon Property Group, the mall’s owner, seems eager to reassure shoppers they won’t sully their reputations by entering a mall, since “The Shops at Chestnut Hill’’ isn’t a mall at all.
“We believe that the new name, The Shops at Chestnut Hill will better reflect the upscale and intimate environment that continues to make our center a premiere high-end shopping destination in the Chestnut Hill area,’’ said Justin Feldhouse, who is strangely still referred to as “Mall Manager’’ in a news release from Simon.
In addition to gaining new signs omitting the grotesque four letter word (mall), the mall will also undergo “a major three-phase renovation’’ that includes the installation of “automatic hand-free doors,’’ according to the news release.
Let’s face it: no one who can afford to shop at The Chestnut Hill Mall – sorry, I mean “The Shops at Chestnut Hill’’ – should have to be bothered with touching a door.
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