Ben & Jerry’s has great news if you can’t eat ice cream
This is the best news I’ve heard in 15 years.
Ben & Jerry’s, you are my hero.
Ben & Jerry’s will roll out dairy-free ice cream in 2016.
This is glorious news.
I haven’t had real ice cream in 15 years. That’s 15 years of disappointment from a slew of ice cream-wannabes on grocery store shelves; 15 years of settling for a fruity cup of sorbet while family and friends devour heaping cones of chocolate chip cookie dough and cookies ‘n cream.
Here’s what the company has to say about it on its website:
We’ve been working on this for quite a while, and want to make sure these flavors live up to what Ben & Jerry’s is known for: enormous chunks, delicious swirls and a commitment to values-led ingredient sourcing.
“Enormous chunks’’ and “delicious swirls’’? I need to sit down. Because the dairy-free crap I’ve been buying from the market has neither chunks nor swirls. It’s vanilla. It’s bland. And it’s icy. They are bland, vanilla, icy cartons of crap. Yeah, I know I can go online and order “alternative’’ ice cream from gourmet shops. But it’s expensive, and I have no idea how good it is. I’m the type of gal who grocery shops at her local grocery store.
How did I wind up on this ice cream-less path, you ask?
A simple test changed my life forever.
One moment I was eating a bowl of ice cream on my couch. A short while later, I was on the bathroom floor, gripping my stomach, and screaming in pain. My then-boyfriend (now husband) scooped me up and rushed me to the ER. I thought I was dying. After a battery of tests, the doctor tried a hydrogen breath test. It measures the amount of hydrogen in your breath after drinking liquid that contains lactose. (If your body is having trouble breaking down lactose, the level of hydrogen in your breath increases.) I was told my body was pissed at me for what I ate (well, maybe not in those exact words). In short, I was lactose intolerant.
Lactose is the natural sugar found in milk and dairy products. Lactose intolerance occurs when the small intestine fails to produce enough of the lactase enzyme needed to digest lactose. Some are born with the intolerance and some, like me, are blessed with it later in life, after we know all too well how delicious ice cream is. Once diagnosed, your life is fraught with bloating, cramps, gas, and diarrhea unless you learn to manage your diet. Fun stuff.
Yes, there are over-the-counter pills that help people digest dairy. But I know their limits all too well — my limits. I can get away with putting a little butter on a roll, for example. But, for me, ice cream is off limits, even with those chalky chewable pills stashed in my car, purse, desk, computer bag, nightstand, kitchen cabinet, shoe, etc.
So, yeah, lactose is the bane of my existence. It’s the reason I drink Starbucks instead of Dunks while traveling (Starbucks has soy milk), make my own dip for all Super Bowl parties and barbecues (why does every damn dip have sour cream or cream cheese?), sit quietly (and hungrily) at pizza parties, push aside the free restaurant cheesecake after my birthday dinner, and choose ham over my favorite stuffed shells during holiday meals.
Things could be worse, I know. I’m grateful for my good health and all that jazz. But still. It all pretty much sucks.
So, Ben & Jerry’s, I’m looking to you for a little scoop of lactose-free heaven in 2016. I have faith in you. I mean, you are responsible for Chunky Monkey and Phish Food and Cherry Garcia. I’m planning to buy all the dairy-free goodness you’ll dish out. Just make it creamy and full of flavor, and I’m sold. I will be your poster child.
Foods available at SoWa market food trucks:
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