Commentary

Dear Princess Charlotte: Here’s What It’s Like to Be Named Charlotte

Kate Duchess of Cambridge holds her newborn baby princess as they leave the hospital in London. Britain's newborn princess has been named Charlotte Elizabeth Diana. Kirsty Wigglesworth/AP

By Charlotte Wilder @thewilderthings

May 4, 2015

3 minutes to read

Dear Royal Charlotte,

Mazel tov on being born! I’m so thrilled to have you join our ranks as a fellow human. Though to be honest, your life is going to be both much easier and much harder than the lives of us commoners. You’ll always have a chauffeur, and the rest of us won’t (Uber doesn’t count). You got millions of mugs made to commemorate your birth. The rest of us only got one weird mug sent from our uncle’s even weirder friend out in Arizona. It had our name and a cactus on it. It shattered when we were six-years-old and we’re still sad about it.

On the other hand, we can make terrible life decisions without their ending up on the front page of every tabloid in the world. But I digress. The reason I’m writing is to tell you what you can expect from the world when your name is Charlotte.

First of all, Charlotte is really hard to spell when you’re little. Don’t beat yourself up about this. Your friends named Amy, Emma, Sara, and Jill will taunt you because you can’t spell your own name before kindergarten (a grade which, according to a quick Google search and this random website, is referred to as “reception’’ in England—even the names of grade-levels are fancier across the pond).

It will get easier, though, and soon you’ll be scribbling your John Hancock—sorry, touchy subject, I know (America: 1, England: 0)—on every hand print you produce. But I don’t know what it’s like not to have a last name, so you’re on your own in that regard. Unless you’re going by Charlotte Windsor? I don’t know how these things work. Also, I don’t have a middle name and you’ve got, like, a bajillion. So I can’t be helpful on that front either.

More stuff you need to know: Everyone will ask you if you are a spider, thanks to a certain well-known children’s book. Speaking of which, your parents will probably cry when they read you Charlotte’s Web. This is normal. It’s very sad and beautiful at the end.

And then you’ve got the nickname situation. I’m going to tell you some of mine, and feel free to suggest them to your parents (Hi, Bill and Katie!) and your future friends (all of the Beckhams, the members of One Direction,—they will be old and it will be a little bit creepy but it will happen—and North West, because I’m willing to bet Kim and Kanye are already sending over designer duds to get in your good graces).

Here they are: Char, Char Char, Lottie (I hate it, but my grandmother insists), Charmander and Charizard (unless Pokemon undergoes an incredible resurgence, this is going to be way dated by your time), Charlie (only my fourth grade soccer coach used that one, to be honest), C-Dubs (applicable given the W in the Windsor, if that’s how you’re going to play it), Shalet (if you’re ever in Boston), and Dingbat. That last one is probably more due to my actions than my name, but I thought I’d toss it in here.

Also, one last pro-tip: Anytime there’s a “Charlotte Russe’’ on a dessert menu, you have to order it. No ifs, ands, or buts. It’s your duty.

OK, that’s it. Good luck out there. It’s a big, bad world, but at least you’ve got the ultimate gated community to keep you safe.