Finally! A Man Has Ideas to Help Women Get Men
Rejoice, single women, because thanks to Glenn O’Brien, you’ll finally be able to catch yourself a man. O’Brien, who’s held a series of high profile editorial positions at Rolling Stone, Details, Interview Magazine, and GQ, as well as serving as the Creative Director for Barney’s NY, recently wrote 36 tips to help women attract men called “More Unsolicited Tips for Women: How to Appeal to Men and Others’’ for 10 Magazine, a quarterly British luxury publication.
Boston.com reached out to O’Brien to find out if this was satire. “Funny question,’’ he said. “What did you think? I would have to say yes and no, I suppose. Essentially all magazine advice pieces are satire, conscious or unconscious. Is the piece banned in Boston now?’’
Far from being banned in Boston, now that we know O’Brien is at least partly in earnest, we’ve broken down his sage advice to help all the clueless single ladies in town put a ring on it.
Let’s start with tip number four: “Guys who get around more than I do these days tell me that, if a woman is going to get tattooed, she shouldn’t do it on her back. That spoils the abstraction of the downward-facing dog and distracts the imagination from wandering.’’
This one seems like a no-brainer, to be honest. Everyone knows that a woman’s sole job when having sex with a man is to make herself attractive to him. Which obviously includes making her back as unspecific as possible, so that he can pretend she is someone else.
Tip number 11 is also particularly instructive when it comes to sex. “Porn is a business worth $14 billion annually. Mostly male audience, I reckon. Imagine if women started watching it, too. Heh, heh. They would know more about what they are quietly being compared to. Actually, I don’t dig porn. I don’t watch it in the same way that I don’t watch professional golf on TV. But if I wanted to learn how to play golf, I would certainly watch Tiger Woods and Rory McIlroy for pointers.’’
So ladies, fire up your laptop, grab a pen, and start taking notes. While O’Brien may not need pointers, we could all learn a thing or two from watching the pros. And since men apparently view porn as the holy grail of sexual experiences, once we study up we can really start pleasing them. Just ignore the creepy “heh, heh’’ he slid into the middle of the paragraph and the rest is gold.
O’Brien fancies himself a Pygmalion, trying to turn any woman lucky enough to read his article into his Galatea, who would never have a French manicure because “the little white tips make you look like a porn star. Which I suppose could be okay if you can carry that off to its logical, uh, culmination.’’ He continues in the nail polish vein: “If you’re thinking about getting that date-rape nail varnish that tests drinks for Rohypnol, etc, you’re doing something wrong. Maybe you should get a little pistol instead.’’
So that’s how you stop sexual assault! You shoot the guy! And you use a “little pistol’’ so that you can conceal it in your handbag, which may bear the logo of a brand on its exterior. But nothing else you wear should be identifiable, because, as O’Brien writes, “it’s better if we can’t tell what brands you’re wearing – 99% of hetero men don’t want to know. If the name is on the outside, with the possible exception of a handbag, that’s too much information.’’
When it comes to dressing ourselves, we’ve also been making another huge mistake: We’ve been trying to look like Kid Rock! What does this mean? Couldn’t really tell you, but apparently O’Brien sees “so many pretty girls who would be beautiful if they weren’t trying to look like Kid Rock. I find this really hard to understand.’’ So do we, O’Brien. We have literally no idea what you’re talking about.
For those of you wondering what Kid Rock looks like, the answer is this.
Perhaps most importantly, never criticize a man. Because “saying something critical and mean to a guy might get his attention but not his admiration. I have known generations of women who said mean things – I only realised, sometimes years later, that they actually thought they were flirting. We are not praying mantises. We do not want to mate and then be eaten.’’
Now we know why so many women who bite off the heads of men after they sleep with them don’t get asked out again. And while most men would assume that a woman who was “mean’’ to him means she isn’t interested, you’re right, O’Brien: All the women who shot you down definitely wanted you, they just didn’t know the right way to go about getting you.
But now, thanks to your helpful hints, the rest of us do. Maybe you’d want to go out sometime? We’d gladly treat you, because “everybody loves a babe who picks up the tab once in a while or maybe sticks a twenty in your garter.’’
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