My friends expect me to work around their schedules

Tuesday | April 15, 2025

Love Letters

My friends expect me to work around their schedules

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Hi Meredith,

You asked for letters about friendship and I have something that’s been weighing on me and I’d like some guidance. I am a mid-40s single woman with no children (NOT by choice). When it comes to who I spend my limited free time with, I tend to value quality over quantity and keep my social circle fairly small.

Most of my friends are individuals and not part of a larger group, so aside from planned events like BBQ’s and milestone birthdays, our time is typically spent one-on-one, having lunch or dinner, shopping, etc.

In recent years, this past year especially, I have found it very difficult to connect with my friends in person due to tough schedules and life getting in the way. I am the only one of my friends who isn’t married, and several of my friends have children. I am also the only one of my friends who doesn’t work a typical Monday-to-Friday, 9-to-5 job. Between two jobs I work 60-plus hours a week, and my schedules include nights and weekends.

It has become common for people to expect me to arrange my work schedule around their plans/responsibilities, and after more than five years working this schedule, it has become upsetting to me that my friends are still expecting me to bend over backwards to accommodate their lives without ever making an attempt to accommodate mine.

Even worse, people think nothing of asking me to take the time off and then cancel plans at the last second after I have already taken what becomes a wasted day off work. I now refuse to take time off work unless it is for an actual event/party on a certain date and time. Is it out of line for me to expect my friends to, when necessary, rearrange their own plans to accommodate me? I understand that life is busy, but it would be nice if my friends prioritized me occasionally by moving dinner plans with someone else to a different day so that I don’t have to miss work (or drive 90 minutes on my only day off that week to meet them close to where they live).

By refusing to work around my schedule, it feels like they are telling me that my responsibilities are somehow less important than theirs because they have a 9-to-5 job, a husband, and children and I don’t. But if I don’t make time in my schedule, I risk isolating myself out of spite. Any advice would be appreciated.

– Lost in the Shuffle

You’ve already set a boundary. You’re not rearranging your schedule unless it’s for a big event – one that’s guaranteed to happen. That’s a good start.

The second step might be telling your friends when you’re free and asking them to meet you. Say, “I have a some open nights – next Tuesday and Saturday. Can I catch up with you for a good meal?” If they can’t join you on your time, that’s fine. If they can, great.

The thing is, I’m not sure your friends understand how annoying and hurtful it is when they ask you to shift your complicated schedule to accommodate theirs. It sounds like you’ve done it without much complaining. If they’re just figuring out that it doesn’t work, give them a bit to adjust.

It does sound like these friends are not convenient, everyday social outlets, and maybe it’s time to accept that. If they have little kids – or even teens – life might be about carpools, sports, bedtime, and general exhaustion. I’m not saying your work and free time isn’t important, only that everyone here has a long to-do list.

Also, if they live 90 minutes away, every social event might feel high stakes.

Consider widening your circle a little. It would be great to have a new friend in a neighborhood nearby. It would be extra fantastic if that friend is single, doesn’t have kids, and loves their life.

It’s wonderful to have good company that gets it; it makes it easier to love old friends who are dealing with their own stuff.

Find an acquaintance who seems cool and take a next step toward friendship. Or maybe I’ll do a friend setup with you and the letter writer from the other day.

– Meredith

Readers? This is obviously a thing people experience – a shift in time and priorities as people enter new life phases. How do you make these transitions easier. With this letter writer, are the logistics too complicated?

What’s on your mind about dealing with exes, dating, love, loss, complicated friendships, work crushes, etc.? Submit your letter by using the anonymous form, or email [email protected].

Featured Comment

You need and deserve to meet new friends who live close by. You clearly value friendship and do so much to honor and value it. You deserve the same – so that it’s not a burden on you or others.

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