I know how he acted with her

Wednesday | January 3, 2024

Love Letters

I know how he acted with her

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Dear Meredith,

I started dating my current boyfriend almost a year ago. However, prior to dating me, he was casually dating my best friend. Long story short, it was a messy love triangle situation where she ended up ghosting him for a while and then we became close. He ended up dropping her and started to pursue me. This was after he realized how emotionally unavailable she was and that he connected better with me.

This relationship has been the best and healthiest I’ve ever had, but I can’t help but sometimes feel insecure and that I’m not enough. When he was casually dating my best friend, he would tell me about how he was trying so hard to please her – and she wasn’t interested enough for it to work. I was his friend at that time so I know all the details.

Since I know how he acted with her, I’m struggling with feeling wanted lately. I know he loves and cares for me deeply. For example, I had severe injury toward the beginning of this year (and the beginning of our relationship), which resulted with me ending up in the ER and getting surgery. During my recovery, he helped me get dressed, cleaned, and helped in all ways.

More than once, I’ve expressed to him that I want to be asked out on dates, I want him to initiate hanging out/sex, etc. He has told me that he’ll be more mindful in initiating, and I can see him trying. His work and personal schedule has been hectic lately, so I understand why going on regular dates and hanging out might slip his mind. And it’s not like we never go on dates or hang out; it’s more that I feel like I have to initiate them because I want to see him.

I guess my question is, how do I get over this insecurity of feeling unwanted? I know he’s trying his best, and I’m trying not to create issues that aren’t really there.

– Issues

You can’t compare his behavior with her to the effort he makes with you.

I mean, you can, technically, but where does it get you? What does it even tell you? He was unhappy with her because she wasn’t very interested in him.

Sometimes when we sense that a romantic partner is pulling away, we do a lot. We try to make the person stay. It can be exhausting.

Back in the day, when one guy was on the fence about me, I was my most winning self. I was making incredible plans and giving him every incentive to want to be around. Years later I would learn that healthy, loving relationships don’t make you feel like you’re competing in a talent show. They give you space to relax.

Of course your boyfriend should show you that he respects your time and wants your company, but not at his own expense. He was struggling with her. With you, hopefully, that’s not the case.

Push the memories of them aside and ask yourself how things are improving right now. If he’s fitting you into a busy schedule, that’s great. If you feel seen and cared for, that’s excellent. If this is simply a busy time, let it pass.

He got you through a difficult period, and you can do the same for him. If work is hectic, you might be the better planner right now. There are only two people to consider right now – because that ex (your friend) is no longer relevant to the story.

– Meredith

Readers? How can the LW stop comparing?

Featured Comment

“Dear LW I don’t really see the problem here. He is comfortable and relaxed around you. He doesn’t have to work at making you like him – you DO like him. He’s supporting you in the important ways. Srsly dear LW would you rather have someone show up with flowers and candy, or someone who will help you when you most need it? Your story of his support during your medical emergency is what you should focus on. He’s there in all of the important ways right? Don’t push him to be someone he is not naturally. You saw how badly that turned out with your best friend (and is she influencing you here at all?). He sounds like a keeper so keep him as is.”

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