I don't want to be a "pick-me" girl

Wednesday | October 29, 2025

Love Letters

I don’t want to be a “pick-me” girl

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This column asks for your stories and questions – and it relies on you sharing with me. That seems like a fair exchange.

With that in mind :): Send your questions about your relationship life through the anonymous form – or email
[email protected].

My boyfriend and I just got together, but I’ve been feeling very self-conscious – because yes, I hate to admit it, but I did go on Instagram and looked at his exes and girls he had crushes on in the past.

They are beautiful, skinny, and look gorgeous. I don’t want to seem to insecure and a like a “pick-me girl” – what they call women who need to tear other women down for male approval – but I just want to feel secure that he’s interested in me, loves me, and that he really does see me as beautiful, even though I look very different than those other prettier girls. How do I go about this?

Thank you.

– Pick Me?

Five thoughts on this:

1. Your boyfriend is still getting to know you, right? The two of you “just got together,” according to your letter. If he’s telling you he loves you, and you’re banking on that love being real, take a step back. Let it be a slow burn. You might feel like you love him, but it sounds like you’re excited. That’s an important feeling too, but it’s not everything.

2. The pictures of the exes and crushes might be best-day-ever looks with all the filters. They could be doctored and edited. You don’t know.

3. Those exes might be looking at your photos and thinking, “Wow, his new girlfriend is so beautiful.” We can be very critical of ourselves. It doesn’t matter how much this guy likes you if you don’t believe your own worth. Consider why you might be excellent company.

4. Um … is he talking about his exes and crushes a lot? Why do you know enough about them to look them up? Exes, sure. But crushes? It could be that you’re young, and that everybody knows about everybody’s crushes, but if you have this list of names because he’s telling you about a bunch of other women, you might want to ask why.

5. This is one of those letters where I think, “Wow, I don’t know one thing about the man in question. What makes him so great?” You don’t seem like someone who tears down other women for male approval, but I could jump to the conclusion that you want this man’s attention enough to forget he’s not the only guy in town. Is he a good match? Do you enjoy your time with him? Do you have great energy together? Consider those questions. Him “seeing you as beautiful” is only part of the equation. At this point, you don’t have to know whether you want to pick him.

– Meredith

Readers? How does one stop themselves from wanting approval so much? What does it mean if you don’t look like someone’s exes?

Would love some great letters. Ask questions about dates, no dates, love, divorce, breakups, getting back out there, in-law drama, or whatever, through the anonymous form – or email [email protected].