A.

Years ago, when my grandfather died, a spouse of a family member said, “Do you need me there for the funeral?” And my family member was like, “Need? How about want.”

My grandfather was the best, by the way. He was very musical and wrote poems.

My family member said to her spouse, “How about this: if you’re not sure when to show up for a major life event, picture a TV show. Would a character’s husband be onscreen for that episode of television? If the answer is yes, you should probably be there, too.”

I’m not sure I love that idea as a guiding principle. People should show up when they want to, or because they know their partner needs support. (I do think the TV concept helped this specific spouse make better choices.)

I have to wonder, in your case, whether your partner knows how important this is to you. I happen to think graduations are very boring (sorry, younger relatives). I am thrilled when I don’t have to attend. Maybe your spouse thinks that skipping some of this stuff is preferable.

I do wonder how this person feels about weddings – and happy events, in general. Do celebrations of life’s biggest moments make them horribly uncomfortable? It sounds like they wants to skip or rush through these experiences. It’d be helpful to understand why.

Another thought: if you used to join each other for these events, but stopped after kids, this might be about having time away alone. Sometimes a wedding is a great excuse to have a weekend in a hotel room, where you can sit and stare at a wall, unbothered.

It’s time for a conversation, it seems. You should explain your concerns about the losses you’ll face in your own life – that you’ll want someone there when you lose a parent, or other important people. 

Please let them know how happy you are with the day-to-day. Other people might have spouses who are amazing at funerals, but terrible dropping a kid off at school on a Monday. You appreciate the ongoing partnership.

But if there’s something that will prevent your partner from going to anything ceremonial – or inviting you – you need to understand. If it’s truly about logistics, that can be figured out.

There’s no avoiding a talk. Sorry.

– Meredith

Readers? Do you always attended big events with a partner (if you have a partner)? Would you prefer to go alone? If so, why? Would you prefer a friend providing primary support? Because that makes sense to me, too. Not all spouses need to be the No. 1 sidekick.

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