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‘Situationships,’ explained
Many people view noncommittal relationships as undesirable. This week's Love Letters podcast guest offers a different perspective.
You’re reading Meredith Goldstein’s Love Letters newsletter. Each week, Meredith shares tales of human connection, thoughts on public policy and relationships, and behind-the-scenes stories about the Love Letters column and podcast. Sign up to get the dispatch.
To start, here are some letters.
This one was from a parent who asked, “Why isn’t my son getting married?” I was able to list some possible reasons he might not want to.🤵
This one was about attraction — and why it isn’t happening, in person, for two people who seem to have chemistry. 🧪
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My favorite letter of the week was about the man at Home Depot. You know, the charming one who works at the paint counter. Is he single? Was this man flirting? Was he simply being nice to a customer? Is there a wedding ring under the glove he has to wear to keep his hand safe from the paint chemicals? Who’s to say! Read on and help a letter writer with a paint-counter crush. 🎨
As we approach the holidays and everyone feels single and weird, or coupled and weird, or sick of their in-laws, or confused about whether their ex should still be their ex, please send your anonymous relationship questions. When you share, it helps others feel less alone.
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Also feel free to send your letter in emojis. I can decipher.
Happily noncommittal
What is a situationship?
The word can be difficult to explain in that it’s fuzzy by nature.
Dictionary.com tells us that a situationship is a “a romantic or sexual relationship that is undefined and noncommittal. People in a situationship are more than friends but less than committed romantic partners.”
Basically, it’s a relationship without goals. It’s an ongoing connection that isn’t on a track to be more … or if it is, not quite yet.
The term has taken off in the last six years or so. In 2023, it was a finalist for Oxford’s word of the year (it lost to “rizz”). Oxford said of the S-word, “Its usage has been growing steadily in frequency showing that the term has certainly resonated with people.”
Situationships sound frustrating and unfulfilling, as experiences, because they are ties that continue on, not leading anywhere in particular.
But are they inherently negative? Maybe not.
Sure, many single people write to the Love Letters column frustrated about situationships because they want more commitment or the forever-partner they’ve long been looking for.
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But some people – depending on phase of life – seem to seek out situationships. Consider the 78-year-old pickleball-playing letterwriter who told me she wanted a last meaningful fling before she died.
She seemed to be seeking a situationship, one that might define the end of her romantic journey as a human. No major strings or expectations, but meaningful nonetheless.
Today’s episode of the Love Letters podcast is all about situationships and what they might mean. It explores the idea that situationships can be good, even if they’re not the relationship you want most.
Our guests include one of my favorite word explainers, Amanda Montell. She’s the author of “Wordslut: A Feminist Guide to Taking Back the English Language,” and “The Age of Magical Overthinking: Notes on Modern Irrationality.” She is incredibly adept (and often hilarious) at explaining trends, pop culture, and the evolution of words, and memes, in general.
Please enjoy her deep dive on the word “situationship” and why she likes it.
We’ll also feature the story of Nicole, a Love Letters listener who has come full circle on the situationships in her life. She went from avoiding them, to loving them, to resenting them, to being sad about them, to loving them all over again. There’s a lesson in her story, and I love it.
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Send this episode to friends who suffer from dating fatigue. After a lot of misery, Nicole has developed a healthy, upbeat way of thinking about building short-term romantic connections.
If you’re interested in learning more about situationships, consider geeking out with the work of Baylor University’s Michael R. Langlais, and Florida State University’s Arielle Podberesky, Lyra Toohey, and Celia T. Lee.
In their paper, “Defining and Describing Situationships: An Exploratory Investigation” these researchers describe two phases of study — one that aimed to define “situationship” and another that explored what made these relationships different from non-situationships.
At the start of their work, they state:
“According to Sternberg’s Triangular Theory of Love, experiences of companionate and/or consummate love are often preceded by romantic love. However, situationships may be experiences of romantic love, without increases in commitment.”
One of their conclusions – the takeaway I find relevant to our episode:
“ … people in a situationship are, for the most part, emotionally and sexually invested even if they are not in a fully committed relationship.”
You can read more about the study on ResearchGate.
Poldark and Miss Scarlet
I’m working on a story about the people in the U.S. (they’re in Boston, actually) who are in charge of Masterpiece shows. The article will be about life for them after “Downton Abbey,” how they’re trying to make the next Masterpiece hit, and about how, in my opinion, shows like “Miss Scarlet” and “Grandchester” might be the sexiest series on television.
That’s right; I think Masterpiece is hornier than any other network right now.
If you watch any Masterpiece shows, can you tell me about them? What do you watch and why? Are you a fan of “Poldark,” “All Creatures Great and Small,” “Grandchester,” “Miss Scarlet,” or … truly anything under the Masterpiece umbrella? I want to hear about it.
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I’ll leave you with a picture of my visit to the Masterpiece office. This one’s of me and my ex. Really, what we had was more of a situationship.
— Meredith
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