Lessons on relationships from ‘Downton Abbey’

Who is “right” for us? How important is love? How important is money?

Maggie Smith as the Dowager Countess Grantham in a scene from the second season on "Downton Abbey."

March 8, 2025

4 minutes to read

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Call me Lady Goldstein, because I am watching “Downton Abbey” for the first time.

I wanted to write that here because it is a show about relationships, and I am enjoying it.

How did I miss “Downton” back in the day? I assume I skipped it because it started airing when my mom was sick with cancer. I was mostly re-watching “Buffy the Vampire Slayer” for comfort back then.

Years later, when the first “Downton” movie was released, I went to see it with a friend. Having never watched the show, I was BAFFLED by the lack of exposition.

I could not tell whether characters were related or in romantic relationships. Turns out, it was sort of both!

Everyone on this show is a cousin. We’re all Crawleys in some way, I guess.

How did I not know Shirley MacLaine was in this thing! *(Nick Briggs/PBS, via Associated Press)*

I have just started Season 3, which introduces many complicated relationship questions. Someone was left at the altar, which might be for the best. But how do you move on from that?

Someone is having trouble with guilt and inheritance. Can you spend your deceased ex’s money if you wronged her by loving someone else?

In the context of Love Letters, I like to be reminded of the origins of elite marriages in England – and how they influenced how we couple up today.

Who is “right” for us? How important is love? How important is money?

What shared values are necessary?

We’re a “true love” culture now, but finances are still important, as is tradition. We just don’t like to talk about that, I think.

Another big question I consider when watching the show: Are all of these characters happier when there’s a community of extended family in the home? That seems to be the case. Perhaps we’d all fare better with 15 people around for human connection.

Also: There is talk of Gretna Green in an early episode, which I love. For those who don’t know, that’s the Vegas of Scotland (for weddings). I’ve visited the town to see it first-hand, and I recorded some of the experience for our podcast (you will love this one).

Truly, I’m fascinated by the history of Gretna Green, so please read all about it. People still run to Scotland for easy, welcoming weddings in that community. It’s a very strange and fascinating place.

Please let me know your thoughts on the show, and any relationship lessons you took from it.

Solvers, the problem

Enjoy the latest Love Letters video, which takes on a few recent letters, including that one about a crush on a step-brother. Podcast producer Christine Ahanotu joins me to discuss.

A question I loved last week? The one about whether it’s possible to date if you’re on the road most of the time. This letter writer is a digital nomad, thanks to remote work. Does that mean love is out of the question?

You can send your own anonymous question about relationships, re-marrying, breakups, friendships, single happiness, etc. through this form, or by emailing [email protected].

WRITE A LETTER TO MEREDITH

ALSO: I’ll give you a little tease for the next podcast episode. Do you know where this picture was taken? What country? That’s where we’ll be going.

The key

I wanted to take a moment to acknowledge the complicated grief that comes with celebrity death. A zillion people are dying in the world, and we know this, and yet … when a celebrity dies, and we’ve had a parasocial relationship with them (or someone they’ve played on TV), we grieve. I do, at least.

This is just a note to say that as a “Buffy the Vampire Slayer” fan, I was incredibly sad to hear about the death of Michelle Trachtenberg last week. She played Buffy’s sister, Dawn. This is a lovely tribute to her work, by Caroline Framke.

If you’re not a “Buffy” person, please know: the final season of the show is not my favorite, BUT … there’s an episode, “Potential,” in which Dawn is led to believe she might be a vampire slayer like her sister.

Trachtenberg does a beautiful job of showing how complicated it can be to be the normal one. The sibling people forget about. The one whose romances are a side plot. The kid.

“Buffy” is on Hulu right now.

Talk about a show about relationships. If you pair it with “Downton,” it’s a lot to think about. Some of the vampires on “Buffy” are the same age as Mary Crawley … but dealing with dating problems in 1997.

Some things to read

In The Big Day, this man lost three wives and found love again – with a close friend. It’s quite a story.
In “Dinner With Cupid,” his favorite movie is “Uncut Gems” … and hers might not be!
In local event news, I’m reading at the April Earfull event, which brings music and writing together in a pub, etc., on the 1st. Last I checked, there were still a few tickets available.

I’ll leave you with signs of change. To quote a certain Disney princess, sometimes we have to let it go. Change happens whether we want it to or not. That’s OK.

— Meredith