‘It’s easy to be blind to the negatives’: Our favorite Love Letters comments

Here are some of the comments that stuck with us over the past month.

By Meredith Goldstein

1 minute to read

My “favorite letter” last month was from a person who didn’t like how their boyfriend was raising his kid.

The man in question wasn’t requiring his kid to brush his teeth before bed. He wasn’t even requiring this child (a 4-year-old) to have a bedtime.

The letter writer did not like this, and wondered if it was pointless to stick around.

I’m putting “favorite letter” in quotes, by the way, because I don’t have favorite letters.

But that’s the one I knew I’d learn from. I don’t have kids – nor have I ever dated someone with kids. I had many opinions about this letter, but I was thrilled to hear from single parents about how they’d answer the question.

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If you’re a single parent and want to add to the conversation, do it now. The letter writer is still reading, I’m sure.

Here are some of the comments that stuck with us over the past month. A second round of featured comments that may have been missed.

Thank you for contributing.

Send your own anonymous question here. Get advice. Tell us what’s on your mind, and you’ll help others wondering the same thing.

5. ‘My boyfriend says I’m controlling’

Featured Comment

“You don’t trust him. His track record isn’t good. Why are you continuing in this relationship? You are playing defense, cutting him off at every pass because his behavior is questionable. Do you want to spend the rest of your life consumed with every action he does outside the house? That is hell. You deserve better. You can love someone else who doesn’t text another person and each given cutesy names. That is flirting. I hope you stop. Really stop. Take a breath and think about your life 5-10 years from now….add children and your trapped. I would plan to break up and start envisioning a life without him, living without fear that he will be cheating on you. Invest in someone worthy. He sounds very immature. If not, prepare for decades of regret and grief. Your love for him now, will slowly be chipped away as he makes lame excuses for poor behavior. Good luck.”

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4. ‘I don’t even want to be his friend’

Featured Comment

“The guy is awkward. He may have one or more neuro conditions and this could be a reason he has trouble behaving appropriately or picking up on social cues. While I understand he’s annoying, try to have a perspective that includes a bit of compassion.
You could say lightly the next time he asks you about the weekend, etc. ‘Hey John, nice of you to ask, but I’m busy all the time right now with work and other things and am not looking to hang out. Nothing personal toward you.’ This is best done in person, again being light and friendly. If there are any more overtures, do not respond. If he becomes stalky, then that’s another matter.

If your situation involves mutual friends who date, don’t go to all the group hangouts. It’s good to broaden your social and hobby horizons, e.g., you can find a new ‘hobby place,’ even if you have to travel further (stay private about this). Try some new hobbies and other ways to make new acquaintances and friends instead of sticking to the same old clique.”

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3. ‘Should I be friends with this ex?’

Featured Comment

“Some people can be friends with their exes. You and this guy shouldn’t be friends. There’s no reason to maintain the friendship other than familiarity and the keeping the door open to more sex when you both torpedo your current relationships. A better move would just be to find someone new to date and make new friends.”

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2. ‘My friend saw him on a dating app. He said it was his twin brother.’

Featured Comment

“Sometimes when you want something badly enough, it’s easy to be blind to the negatives that most others might find obvious (guilty, Your Honor). This guys’ personal situation is no good and he’s treating you like a late night pin cushion. Ask why you have strong feelings for him. You should want more for yourself. Then make a decision….move on.”

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1. ‘I don’t like how he’s raising his kid‘

Featured Comment

“LW, you could try to discuss your concerns in a curious and supportive way rather than a judgmental one, i.e., tell me more about why…? None of what you report is extreme or neglectful however. If his son is cranky in the morning and unable to get up and ready for preschool/school due to the lack of bedtime routine, you could talk about that. You could ask if there’s anything you can do to help. You could try introducing your own routines when you’re there such as bringing books and reading to him at night, then maybe suggest ‘let’s brush teeth first’ if that’s going well, etc. I think not brushing teeth has to do with your BF not wanting to wake up his son at that point. (I assume your BF brushes his teeth before bed and understands this is basic hygiene?) Also, a dentist will discuss this with your BF if the child’s PCP hasn’t already. At 4 months, none of this is your concern so proceed with caution if you want to continue this relationship!”

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