Will I have to take sides?
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Q.
Dear Meredith,
I’m friends with a married couple. I was friends with before they became a couple. I introduced them to each other. My relationship with both was always centered around shared interests and activities before and after they met. I feel like a part of one big family; a family of choice.
As with any family, there are bound to be difficult times. When such times occur, I can’t help but feel like the only child who has to figure out how to not pick sides while dealing with the conflict. My go-to action has been to be supportive of both, but to remove myself from the conflict. I fear this isn’t sustainable and there may come a time when sides have to be chosen. Thankfully, this doesn’t occur often, but it’s enough that this has been eating at me recently.
Thanks,
– The Only Child in Three’s Company
A.
You’re asking a person who is the only child of some couples. I have been the adult baby/third wheel/matchmaker. And I love it!
My thoughts:
- 1. You’re allowed to tell one or both of them when you’d rather not know about a conflict. If it’s too much and puts you in the middle, tell them you love them but you can’t handle it.
- 2. It might help to share your philosophy on conflict and communication. I have said something like, “Hey, just so you know, when I hear you fight, or when one of you confides in me, I compartmentalize and only consider the friend who’s asking for help and what’s best for them. I hope that feels OK to all of us.” However you do it. Your philosophy might be very different.
- 3. If they ever ask you to choose a side in a specific fight and you don’t want to, go back to Point 1. If you do want to, try not to frame it as choosing a side. Just summarize. As in, “What I’m hearing from the two of you is [fill in blank].”
4. I’m going to say something that is absolutely me projecting, so forgive me. Sometimes when couples in my life fight – specifically the couples who are like family to me – the divorced child in me takes over. I get very nervous that one or two excellent adults will destroy a loving status quo. That has made me desperate for people to resolve their conflicts ASAP, so I can feel safe. But … I’ve let that go a bit. The fighting and negotiating has made these couples stronger than my parents ever were. It’s part of how they stay together – and find happiness as individual people. Also, I’m not the same kid. I’m actually kind of old. Once I remember that, I can care for my loved ones and accept change instead of freaking out as I try to listen.
That’s my way of saying that maybe you don’t need to anticipate what’s to come. You love them. They love you. You can tell them when you’re uncomfortable. If something bigger happens, you’ll reboot from there.
– Meredith
Readers? How do you talk to couples in conflict when you love both people? What if you’re the matchmaker?
Thinking about a breakup, a complicated friendship, dating, a divorce, doing none of the above? What’s on your mind? Send your own letter here – or to [email protected].
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