Thank you for using the word “habit” – because I think that’s a big part of what’s happening here. You think of this man because you’ve trained yourself to do so. Whenever you’re lonely or missing another time in your life, your brain goes to him. That’s what it sounds like, at least.

A lot of people have so much fun in their early 20s, but it can be an overwhelming phase. For many, it’s the first time it makes sense to think about a real future – maybe with a partner. It’s possible that the memory of this person has become your go-to fantasy for self-soothing, that you imagine security with him because he’s from a simpler era.

I’m guessing here, of course. Regardless, my advice is to create more stability and routine in your present-day life. Find friends and hobbies that fill your time. Train yourself to seek other forms of attention when you get stuck in your thoughts. Call someone who’s a good talker (listening to others can break you out of a bad moment), or throw on a good TV show to clear the cache in your mind.

Also, consider therapy. It might help to have a professional as a guide.

You didn’t say why you and this man no longer speak, but the “unrequited love” part of your letter tells me it’s best you’re no longer in touch. Habits can be broken. Inventing new rituals can be thrilling. Instead of trying to figure out the “why” of these thoughts, accept that they’re no longer useful – and change them.

– Meredith

Readers? How do you break out of repetitive thoughts? Why do you think the LW is so focused on this person from the past?