When Will I Know?

Friday | February 26, 2010

Love Letters Relationships

When Will I Know?

How is it Friday already?

Hi Meredith,
I have been reading your column for a long time but have never written a letter. I have a question for you and your readers that I think (or hope) most people have felt at one point in their lives: Is he the one?
A little background, we are both in our late 20s and have had healthy relationships in the past that just didn’t work out. We come from similar backgrounds and share the same values and things we want out of life. We have great ‘relations.’ We truly enjoy each other’s company, are planning a big vacation together, and I think he is rapidly becoming my best friend. He is incredibly sweet, funny, and emotionally intelligent.
I just don’t know if he’s the one?! How can you tell? I have been feeling anxiety lately and I don’t know why. Is it because I am falling in love with him or is it because he isn’t right? I fluctuate depending on the day. Most of the time I love him, but sometimes he drives me crazy, but isn’t that the case with everyone in your life?
I am writing to ask if this is normal. Should I just calm down and take it day by day? I have talked to him about my paranoia and of course his response was perfect. He told me that he gets nervous too, we need to take it day by day and people aren’t always 100% perfect for each other. My question is when do you know? Does it take months, years? Do you ever really know?

– Looking for “the one”, Boston

LFTO, I’m shooting imaginary tranq darts at you. Calm your brain.
You will never know if he’s the one because there is no “the one.” There’s also no such thing as closure. Snuffleupagus, however, exists.
Thank goodness there’s no “the one.” Because if “the one” was real, what are the odds that you’d find said person? I mean, what if your “one” lived in London – or Bangkok? How would you find him? What if mine lived in Justin Timberlake’s house? How am I supposed to get in there?
I think that you’re wondering whether you could stay with this guy for a lifetime without wanting to divorce him. Again, it’s almost impossible to know for sure. Your relationship sounds pretty good to me, but relationships that are awesome in the beginning can sometimes stink during year 10. And sometimes, rocky starts lead to amazing finishes.
Stop picturing this as a big yes-no decision. It should be much more fluid than that, despite all the movies that suggest otherwise. You stay together, and then at some point it feels right to combine homes and finances. And then maybe it seems like a good idea to gather your friends and family in a room and celebrate that it’s all still working. And somewhere in there, maybe you have some kids. Feel free to play with the order of all of that. It’s all about taking leaps without guarantees. Scary, right?
Sometimes people in their late 20s go a bit crazy because of deadlines. For the moment, try to enjoy the now without thinking so much about the next move.
Of course, there are some questions one can ask during the dating process that help with the commitment decision. They are questions about habits, financial priorities, expectations for children, trust, etc.
Readers, besides the regular advice, can you give her any questions to ponder? Anything you asked yourself before committing? Anything you wish you had thought about? Anything she should put on her is-he-the-one checklist? And, are we ever 100 percent sure? Share.

– Meredith

Relationships