When do you tell a partner about a crush?

Monday | August 26, 2024

Love Letters Relationships

When do you tell a partner about a crush?

We’ll be doing some classic letters for the rest of the week, as it’s the lazy last week of August.

At least I hope it gets to be lazy. I know many of you are getting kids adjusted to school, running 1,000 errands, working, etc.

I’ll post classic letters from moments in the column’s history to see whether everyone’s advice holds up in 2024.

Before we start that, a question about a recent letter:

I read the recent letter (I’ve Had the Same Work Crush for Years) and noticed that most of the commenters wanted to talk about the fact that the letter writer had told their spouse about the crush. It could be a good discussion topic – or I can just make it a question here.

My question is: when, how, and under what circumstances is it appropriate for someone in a committed relationship to discuss their crushes with a significant other? And, if not with your significant other, then with whom, and under what circumstances, can an adult in a committed relationship discuss their crushes?

– Crushes

I’ll focus on the “romantic relationship disclosure” part of this question, because I think it’s easier (and safer) to talk about crushes with friends – especially people who’ve been around forever.

My thought on talking about crushes with a romantic partner: I think it depends on the relationship and the crush. Some significant others aren’t jealous this way. Maybe they have crushes too, and understand the difference between finding someone cute and falling in love with them.

Sometimes it feels easy to say to a loving partner, “They hired the hottest person at the coffee shop down the street, and I giggle every time I stop there in the morning.”

Of course, my coffee-crush example is pretty innocuous. The thing with our recent letter writer was that they seemed to have more than just a crush. It was about big feelings. Maybe obsession? Wanting to be together, perhaps. It had become disruptive.

Many commenters did not approve of the letter writer telling their husband about these feelings, but I thought … fine. Maybe this will be the thing that ends – or changes – a relationship that isn’t going well. I believe it was the letter writer’s version of saying, “We have a problem here.” If I were the husband I’d be thinking, “Huh. The fact that my partner felt the need to confess is pretty telling. We have work to do.”

That’s another thing: If you’re in a good relationship – one that makes you happy – you might decide to keep a crush to yourself because you know it’s not a threat. There’s nothing wrong with keeping your fantasy life private.

It comes down to personalities, sense of humor, tone of crush, and how satisfied a person is with their significant other. If it’s a great relationship, a crush probably won’t touch it, secret or not.

For the record, I think I’m a past-tense crush discloser. As in, “I can’t believe I used to have a crush on that guy.” Then it’s ancient history.

– Meredith

Readers? Have you told a significant other about a crush? What are your thoughts on sharing? What about with friends?

What’s on your mind about your relationship life? Friendships? Dating? Crushes? Divorce? Adjusting to change? Ask your own question. Use the anonymous form or email [email protected].

Cheating Office Crush

Featured Comment

LW, what would be the goal of telling your partner about a crush you have? Is it that you are so excited about it that you want to discuss it with SOMEONE? Find someone else, a friend perhaps. And if you are too ashamed to bring it up with a close friend, then maybe that is something to think about. All it can do is hurt your partner’s feelings by telling them and sour the relationship further. I would not want my husband telling me about his crushes/fantasies, it would make me start to want a divorce. People know that in a long term relationship you are going to find someone else interesting/attractive at some point, that doesn’t mean they want to hear about it.

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