What Am I Doing Wrong?

Monday | March 8, 2010

Love Letters Relationships

What Am I Doing Wrong?

I saw “Alice in Wonderland” over the weekend. Was about a girl who avoids a bad relationship by jumping down a hole. Very Love Letters-esque, yes?

I am in my early 40s, divorced (after a long marriage), and am having a hard time meeting quality men. Marriage is not my short-term goal, just looking to meet someone and see if things develop into a long-term, monogamous relationship. My preference would be to date a man in my age range, not looking to be a guy’s cougar or be with someone a lot older than me. Most of my friends are married with children so we don’t go out like we did back in our 20s. I am not into the bar scene and feel uncomfortable taking a vacation alone. My experiences with online dating have not been successful (after spending a lot of time and money on the process). I have met some interesting men, but have not been interested in anyone beyond the first date. The majority of the time this feeling was mutual. I have read all kinds of books on the subject, newly single I wanted to do research and make sure dating had not changed since the last time I was available! I try to be observant when I am out – at the gym, grocery store, book store, mall, etc., to no avail and dating at work is not an option. I am educated, professionally employed, financially and emotionally stable and looking for the same. Are all these guys taken? Any other ideas on where I should be looking?

– Not Finding Chemistry, Reading

Dating hasn’t changed. You have. You’re older. You’re someone who has ended a long-term relationship. I’m not trying to bum you out. (Sorry, all of that sounded very negative.) I’m just saying that you’re getting back into this as a divorced fortysomething. The pool of prospects isn’t what it was.
The upside is that what you see is what you get. When you meet a guy in his 20s and he behaves like an idiot, it’s hard to tell whether he is, in fact, an idiot, or whether he just has some growing up to do. The guys who are your age are as good as they’ll get. That makes it easier to make decisions.
Here’s some advice based on your letter:
1. Go on second dates whenever possible. I’m not sure how you met your husband, but my guess is that you found him organically, long before the advent of online dating. If you’re meeting some interesting guys, give them two dates. Don’t be afraid to ask for a second date. Because getting a crush on someone can take some time.
2. Try to join some clubs that do actual activities. You’re welcome to stand in a grocery store all day, but it’s easier to talk to people if you’re biking/cooking/bowling with them.
3. Don’t say no to dating prospects based on your assumptions about what they’re offering. If a younger guy shows interest, go out with him. It’s not a cougar thing, it’s a person thing. Keep an open mind.
4. Make sure your friends know you’re looking. Sure, they’re married, but everyone knows a few single people. Your friends should be trained to keep you in mind.
5. Don’t read too many books. They’ll drive you crazy. And don’t get too discouraged if your dates are few and far between. People have daily dates on television, but in the real world, lulls are normal.
Readers? Want to tell her what dating is all about these days? Am I right to say she’s quitting too soon? How often should she expect to date? Share.

– Meredith

Relationships