What Went Wrong?

Friday | February 4, 2022

Love Letters Relationships

What Went Wrong?

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Last weekend I broke off a one-year relationship with a guy I loved. We met online and just clicked, and our physical chemistry was incredible from the very start. He is kindhearted, attractive, a hard worker, and treated me really well in the initial months of dating when he pursued me. But there were issues we couldn’t get by: primarily spending any quality time together, largely due to his job, which had him working the night shift, but also due to my allergy to his pet. Weeks would go by and it didn’t seem to phase him not to see me, although he would still text regularly.

A few weeks ago it started to feel like I was making all the effort to fit into his free time and life, while he was not making any effort at all for me. I started noticing his ambivalence about our relationship in general, so I called him and broke it off. It was really heartbreaking. His response to me was really confusing: he accepted my reasons and stated that he can’t change his job, and that his family sure would miss me. And that was that.

The next day, he was back on an online dating site. Clearly he wasn’t as invested as I was in our relationship. I feel like he was just too much of a coward to break it off himself. Was this just a case of He Was Just Not that Into Me or job and lifestyle incompatibilities? I don’t like feeling played a fool, so I’d love any advice on how to get a good pulse on a budding relationship to know whether to keep fishing or cut bait.

– What happened?

It sounds like you know everything.

He enjoyed the relationship, but not enough to maintain his momentum. He thought you were great, but won’t change his life.

He probably did know this was over a bit before you called it. Maybe it was cowardice, maybe it was laziness, maybe he thought the status quo was enough for you both, at least for now. Regardless, when you expressed a want for more, he let you go. It doesn’t have to be malicious; it’s possible he just coasted along, enjoying what you both had until it was clear he couldn’t keep things on his terms anymore.

How do you get a read on a relationship over time? There’s excitement. Kindness. There’s also intention, mostly to keep showing up, even when schedules are difficult. Job and lifestyle compatibilities were part of the problem here, but so was his lack of motivation to get to you. It was great for a few months … and then it wasn’t.

I’m not sure you could have expedited the breakup, by the way. You needed a bit to figure it out. But with the next match, after six or eight months, you can think about whether the relationship feels as stable – and earned on both sides – as it did in the beginning.

I do think you’re asking how to avoid relationships that might end. There’s no way around risk and possible loss. The good news is, you can admit when something doesn’t feel right. That’s a big help.

– Meredith

Readers? What happened here?

Relationships