We Wanted To Have It Together By 30

Friday | March 25, 2022

Love Letters Relationships

We Wanted To Have It Together By 30

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My boyfriend and I have been together for three and a half years now. We live together with our dog. Taking the next step has been a conversation for a while now, after my best friend had a baby. We are 30 years old. I don’t want to take the fun out of the experience by nudging him, but I do find myself ruminating over his thoughts on the subject and conflicted about how to support him while doing what’s best for myself.

We’ve both felt the societal pressure to have our life together by 30 in different ways. I wanted to be married by now, while he wanted to have his career in order. Him not being in the place professionally that he wants to be leaves him not feeling adult enough to advance in our personal lives. He even goes as far as saying that an assistant shouldn’t be living with his girlfriend and their dog, and yet here we are. He feels like a kid going through the motions, like he hasn’t passed the test to qualify for adulthood.

While he is incredibly driven and his job is more than the assistant tasks he takes on, I don’t want to dismiss his feelings. At the same time, putting this added pressure on finding a new, more senior job doesn’t seem healthy to me. He’s also been looking for jobs for some time and if this really is the only reason he doesn’t feel ready for this next chapter of life, how long should he really insist on this foundational step? I pose this to you more because I want to support him through this self-exploration and help him feel ready, rather than to rush him down the aisle. We are very committed to each other and I love our life, but I’m willing to explore that maybe there’s a bigger problem.

– 30

You’re both being too hard on yourselves. He doesn’t think he’s where he should be, but that doesn’t mean he won’t get there – maybe even soon. Meanwhile, your friend had a baby, which means your timeline has a spotlight on it. But … you’re the one shining it.

Sure, getting married and starting a family at this age might be great, but it would also be OK to wait until you’re both ready to do it. You don’t have to be on the same path as every one of your peers.

You knew your partner wanted to be more settled in his career before taking next steps. He told you that, and he’s working on it. From what I can tell, there was no “by 30 or else” deadline. These conversations have just started. Please be patient.

You’re right – this part is supposed to be fun. Living together, no kids, growing as a couple, building your lives. The timing isn’t right, so revisit later. If you’re both unhappy and feeling stuck for an extended period of time, have another talk about how he sees the next five years playing out. Do some dreaming together, and think about what’s possible.

For now, though, remember that 30 is a very arbitrary age for deadlines. I imagine that many commenters will tell you they were just starting to figure themselves out at that age, and that a lot can happen between 30 and 31. Sometimes everything.

A reminder that when I turned 30, I barfed in the bathroom at Lucky’s Lounge (sorry to said business) and then, months later, I started to plan to launch an advice column. Things change really quickly, sometimes in all the best ways.

– Meredith

Readers? How can they talk about goals without stressing each other out? What advice do you have for someone whose partner is on a different timeline?

Relationships

Featured Comment

Spoiler alert – there is no exam to pass to become an adult. At 30 – you’re there, whether you feel like it or now. This tale is as old as time…. one person wants to get married and one person doesn’t or isn’t ready. Here are your choices…. you stay together u0026 wait it out b/c you love him, maybe talk/come to an agreement on when to take this next step together OR you accept that maybe you’re not on the same page about your future u0026 you go off u0026 try adulting on your own… see where life takes you. There is no wrong answer, good luck.

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