Dear Meredith,

I recently moved from a large city to a rural area for a fantastic job that offers a combination of happiness and security I’ve never had before. My boyfriend joined me a couple of months later. He really didn’t like the city we lived in before, loves me, and can work from home, so he was excited to join me, even when we talked about how different things would be from the city. I was likewise excited to have him join me.

Renting here (especially when there are pets involved) has not really been tenable, so I recently bought a house. Six months later, I’m doing great in my job and loving it. I grew up relatively locally so I have friends and family nearby. Meanwhile, he’s deeply unhappy here, and I can understand why. He’s at home alone all day and having a very difficult time trying to develop any sort of friendships or anything resembling a social life of his own. Nothing that he enjoys is available here. He feels deeply isolated, lonely, frustrated with the quality of life, and angry at himself for misreading exactly how difficult it would be for him.

My friends visit and that is good, but not the same as him developing his own support network. I love him and want him to be happy, so we came up with a plan. If he’s still feeling the same way at this point next year, he will start looking to move to a place where he knows he can be happier (maybe back where we moved from, or some other more urban place where there is more activity, better healthcare availability, and a wider support network for him). I will at that point also start looking to find other jobs and eventually join him, but that will take longer for me since I would need to find a decent job before moving. In that interim, I would continue at this job and rent out a room in the place I bought to help with mortgage payments. Eventually, when I move, I believe I will be able to successfully rent out the place I bought. However, things just keep getting harder for him. He’s grieving for a life he feels he lost, and often gets very visibly angry and upset (at himself and the situation, never with me, to be clear).

He talks with a therapist about things, but I don’t think the therapist is very good. And I don’t know what to do or how to best support him. I’m trying to balance giving him space and time to feel upset along with suggesting activities to do or places to visit, but it’s also a struggle for me. If I weren’t in a relationship, I’d want to stay in this job for as long as they’d have me – that’s how much I like it. But I also love him and want us both to be able to be happy, so seeing him so depressed, angry, and sad really crushes me. Do you have any advice for how to navigate this situation – for him, and also for me?

– Moved