It’s A Tough Time To Be Single In A New City

Monday | July 13, 2020

Love Letters Relationships

It’s A Tough Time To Be Single In A New City

Send your own relationship issues to [email protected] (or click “send letter” above).

I want to start by saying that I am alone and live alone. Being alone and single never really bothered me much. I enjoy my space and the ability to do anything I want without having anyone tell me otherwise. Being comfortable in your solitude is so liberating.

Well, all of that completely changed. Months ago (pre-pandemic), I was promoted to a new job. It required a move to a new city. I was frantic at first. Moving to a new city alone, not knowing anyone, was scary but also kind of exciting. I moved into my new apartment on January 30th, a day after my 28th birthday. What a great way to start a new chapter of my life. Boy, was I wrong! I was working 18-hour days almost every day. I knew what to expect, my industry (restaurant management) is no joke. However, I wanted to enjoy this new city, go out and explore, and meet new people.

A month and a half in with a new job title under my belt, the coronavirus hits. Two months later, with two staff members left, I still have a job. I should feel grateful? But a part of me feels resentful. I left behind my family and friends. I left behind my entire life. I miss my neighbors.

And now I am completely alone. What gets me through it are my friends’ encouraging affirmations. They tell me things like “you’re so brave.” I must say it is strange to hear this because it’s hard to feel that way. I made myself a promise to stick around for a year, but I don’t know how much more I can take.

This is the problem: now it’s a lot harder to be single. With no friend or “lover” – I’ve tried Hinge during this time – it’s a bust. My dating life was not great before, and it’s not any better now. So I decided to pause the dating life and I guess start focusing on myself. For now, it’s just me sitting in my rocking chair listening to depressing music in the background and patiently waiting for this to be over. Is there anything else I can do?

– Alone

I want to start my saying that you’re not alone.

I mean, you are, literally, but you’re not alone in your experience. There are a lot of people out there who moved to a new place to start an exciting chapter of their professional and romantic lives, and then … pandemic. Panic and isolation. So many people have had to hit pause on their plans. I don’t want to minimize what you’re going through – it’s big – but I do want you to know that a lot of people reading your letter will really get it.

I keep asking people – and myself – what they’ve learned about their desires during this time. What do they miss? What do they not miss? (I’m making my own lists.) These months have changed many people’s goals, for sure. It sounds like you’ve learned that you might want to prioritize dating for real partnership, whenever that becomes possible. It also sounds like you might not be so sure about a new city. That’s OK. I wouldn’t make any big decisions right now (unless they’re made for you – I know the hospitality industry is complicated right now), but know that you can think about a move home. Also, see about taking some days off to visit those friends. A small, socially distant visit can go a long way.

There is nothing else you can be doing. You’re just supposed to watch good TV, get fresh air when you can, and wear a mask. I do recommend staying on Hinge and other apps if you want to remind yourself that other single humans exist. You might not act on any matches – or find any to begin with – but the apps show you who’s in your city, and who knows? Maybe you’ll find yourself making plans to take a stroll with someone who’s also getting to know the area. Just keep your expectations in check. I wouldn’t call it a “dating life” … it’s more like a preview of what’s to come.

– Meredith

Readers? How do you cope with being alone when you can’t pursue much time with anyone else? Who else is having this kind of experience?

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