This Is The Reason I Love Bomb People

Thursday | April 20, 2023

Love Letters Relationships

This Is The Reason I Love Bomb People

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Hi Meredith,

I want to preface this by saying that I care a lot about this person, so I really really don’t want to hurt them. I have diagnosed ADHD, and I tend to “love bomb” people when we first start flirting and dating. Not to try to manipulate them, but because I have a tendency to hyperfixate on them, and they become the only thing that I can think or care about within the first few dates.

Then, after a few weeks, I usually find out something about them that gives me the “ick.” The hyper-fixation wears off, their conversation get boring instead of being the most fascinating thing ever, and the small things that seemed like quirky issues reveal themselves to be fundamental differences. I often don’t even understand why I found them physically attractive.

This happened to me recently, to someone that I’ve been talking to for about three weeks. They’ve been burned very hard before, so I worked hard to earn their trust. But after our date a few days ago, I got the “ick” massively. My heart drops when I see their name on my phone because I don’t want to talk to them. They text me all the time and tell me that “I make them so happy,” and that they “have never felt so loved before.” I feel trapped. I know I could easily leave and nothing would really affect me, but I know that it would hurt them badly. And now they are starting to question why my behavior has changed. I told them I am tired, but I’m so embarrassed. I don’t know how to explain to them that I was just hyperfixating on them and don’t feelings for them anymore.

– not in love but don’t want to break their heart

I hope you can have some productive and thoughtful conversations about this problem with the people who treat you for ADHD. Let them know this is messing with your dating life and that you’d like to break the cycle. I’m sure there are specific therapy exercises to stop patterns of thinking so you can figure out whether you really like someone, are sick of them, or haven’t seen the full picture yet. This kind of change takes a plan and practice. Ask for help.

As for this person, it’s only been three weeks of talking. If they’re saying they’ve never felt so loved before, there’s something going on with them too. I do believe love bombing can alter someone’s lens; the recipient of the attention might crave it, especially as it fades. But this is a lesson, right? At three weeks, it’s more about getting excited for what might be next. There are no final answers within a month. You are not going to be another person who “burns” them. You lost interest – and that’s OK.

Tell them your intentions were good and that you hoped you could sustain this excitement, but that the buildup didn’t leave much room for a simple start to the relationship. Say you wish them the best and want to move on. Apologize for any hurt feelings. Do not tell them about the “ick.” There’s no need to talk about your ADHD or the pattern.

Know that they’ll learn their own lessons as you figure out what’s next. Better to get it over with and give them peace than avoid every call. Letting go means you’ll have the bandwidth to get help for a better way to date in the future.

– Meredith

Readers? Has this been an issue for you? A new way to think about why some people come on so strong in the beginning? Is fading away with responses going to make a breakup easier and less abrupt?

Relationships