The Women In His Family Do *all* The Planning

Friday | December 10, 2021

Love Letters Relationships

The Women In His Family Do all The Planning

I want to read your questions and problems this weekend. Send them to [email protected] or use this form.

Dear Meredith,

My boyfriend and I have been together for just about two years, and his parents are spending four days with us over the holidays. I work in a very stressful and draining person-facing field (think mental health) and have to be “on” all day. While his parents are very nice and I enjoy spending some time with them, knowing that a big chunk of my winter break is now going to be spent hosting is filling me with dread. It is a family “joke” that the boys of the family are useless and their female partners are the organizers/planners (i.e. his mother sent their flight confirmations to me, not my boyfriend).

While I am a planner by nature, assuming these are my future in-laws, I do NOT want to be pigeon-holed into this role of being the one to come up with activities and entertainment the rest of my life. I have already approached my boyfriend to request that he put thought into activities, and think about getting some form of transportation for them so they can maybe go off and explore alone. I am envisioning that there are going to be hours long periods of sitting around our small place, making polite conversation. While I can be a good sport for a little bit, the nature of my career makes me really not want to spend my break putting on a good face and acting engaged endlessly. I am looking for A) permission and B) ideas how how to politely extract myself and give myself some alone time and much-needed down time during this visit.

– Just Want To Sleep Late and Wear Sweatpants

Regardless of profession, sometimes we have to be “on” for guests and relatives. It’s just the way it is.

That said, you can be very clear with everyone that you won’t be able to lead the tour 24-7, and that sometimes you might be uninvolved all together.

You’ve already asked your boyfriend for help. Give him the benefit of the doubt and let him plan. Maybe work on it with him and write a list together. If you both do a good job with it, it’ll be a great guide to have around for other guests in the future. Make it a fun one-sheet about the area.

Also be clear – with everyone – about what you need. When I’m staying with someone, I’m able to entertain myself and stay out of the way, but I want to know my host’s boundaries and schedule. If they’re going to be busy all day on a Thursday and want me gone, I want them to tell me. Perhaps when the family arrives (or before, via email), let everybody know when you’ll need to be alone. Be very specific about this. As in, “Hey, on Wednesday from about 9 to 1, I’ll be catching up on work and some personal needs, so that’s a great time to hit the list! Let us both know if you have transportation questions.”

As for those jokes, push back. That’s the real issue here, right? The roles can be different in your house, and you can always reply to an email cc-ing your boyfriend. Don’t participate in this “useless” narrative and let resentment build up over time.

– Meredith

Readers? How do you find downtime during family visits? Do your partners plan activities for their own families or is it a team effort? What about this “useless” story about the men?

Relationships