Still friends with the friends who dumped me

Friday | August 15, 2025

Love Letters Relationships

Still friends with the friends who dumped me

We’ll be off all of next week, and will return Monday the 25th with a letter that had me up late last night.

While I’m gone, fill my inbox. Send your own anonymous relationship, dating, and friendship questions to [email protected] or fill out this form.

Another friendship question for you, but one that comes with a side of a relationship question.

During college, I had a super tight group of friends that formed freshman year and persisted all the way to senior year. We lived in the same dorm, went on trips together, all of that. Toward the end of college, however, some interpersonal conflicts arose that ended with me being unceremoniously evicted from the group without a word. As a young person who had not had a lot of friends until then, and who had spent the vast majority of my social time with this group in college, this was upsetting to say the least.

Over the years, I’ve been working to heal from this painful break, but despite making new friends and generally moving on with my life, it’s been difficult. I still keep in contact on an individual basis with a couple members of the group, and I share a hobby with other members. The hobby brings us together on a semi-regular basis. However, I am still very clearly not part of “the group” and will not ever become so again. It’s even more complicated because my partner and his housemates have become very close with several members of that group. He knows of my history with them, and has done his best to give me a heads up when they’ll be around. In return, I have tried to be less awkward and aloof around them (my usual coping mechanism when around people I have a complicated history with).

As we’ve grown into full-fledged adults, it’s become easier to interact with them socially on these occasions and others, but it’s never comfortable. Whenever the conversation inevitably turns to stories of trips they’ve taken together in the intervening years, or referencing jokes from their shared history, it’s always a little painful to know that I am explicitly an outsider and unwelcome as part of that shared history. Given that I’m not willing to give up the hobby we share, as it’s something that’s brought me a lot of joy, or give up my partner who has done the same, it feels like I’m destined to keep being reminded of one of the most painful moments of my life. Not just reminded that it happened, but reminded that I am still outcast and will remain so, even while the people who did the casting-out make small talk with me.

Is there anything I can do? Will I just have to accept that this is what life is going to be like?

– Outsider

My guess: this will continue to get better over time, especially as the group changes. People will have kids and get busy. New conflicts will bring people together and push them apart.

It does help to have others – people who aren’t related to this social scene and do not think of you as anyone but yourself (as opposed to a former member of the group). Continue with the hobby, do what you love, but please spend time with new companions who aren’t even thinking about what you might have done in college.

I love old friends so much, but sometimes being around them means I regress – not just in behavior, but in how I see myself.

Friends who met me after I turned 30 don’t know about the time I got disinvited from a wedding.

Also consider having an uncomfortable but honest conversation with your closest friends in that group. If all you’re getting is small talk from these people, ignore this idea. But if you believe that one or two of these people really like you, you could acknowledge the weirdness and say, “It means a lot that we can put the college stuff behind us. I’m trying to, and I hope what we have is something new.” Maybe it’ll feel cathartic to acknowledge the history.

It doesn’t mean you’ll be invited on the trips – and that’s probably for the best – but you might be able to relax a bit.

I’m so glad (and impressed) that you’re doing activities you like – and having the relationship you want – despite the awkwardness. Remember, this is up to you. They might have kicked you out, but now you see them when it suits you. It huts, but also … it’s history.

– Meredith

Readers? Bring this up with the friends? See them less? How do you get over this pain when it’s all in your face?

Send your own anonymous relationship, dating, and friendship questions to [email protected] or fill out this form.

Breakups 🖤 College 🖤 Friends

Featured Comment

Being forced to socialize with people who’ve been mean to you is unfortunately a part of life. Good for you for not giving up your hobby to avoid them. But I think you should consider if this friend group is one that you truly would want to be part of again. Would you REALLY want to make up and go on a vacation with them all? This bunch that was unforgiving and rejected you? Smile inside at the thought that you only have to put up with them once in a while.

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