‘I Have This Speech In My Head I Want To Tell Him’

Friday | April 10, 2020

Love Letters Relationships

‘I Have This Speech In My Head I Want To Tell Him’

Have a safe weekend. Letters to [email protected].

Hi Meredith,

Hope you’re doing OK with all of this.

I have been in love with a friend for two years and regret not telling him my feelings. I never wanted to ruin our incredible friendship, but then he began going out with a colleague of ours – they’ve been “official” for eight months. I had hoped my feelings would fizzle but they haven’t. And I try very hard to be friends with his girlfriend, but it’s difficult. I missed my boat for sure, but I really miss the easy part of our friendship.

We all go to graduate school together and are now fishing up and and moving away. I won’t see him for quite a while. But he guarantees we will talk every day. I have this speech in my head I want to tell him. Basically, I’d let him know how glad I am to have him in my life and that I’m so proud of him, but that I have underlying romantic feelings that won’t go away, and out of respect for his relationship and my sanity, I think we shouldn’t talk for a while. I’m so afraid of what saying that would do to us. I know how he is, and I feel like everything would change. He is an honest guy and would tell his partner, and I imagine she wouldn’t want me talking to him again. What is the right/wise/choice here?

– Speechless

“I feel like everything would change.”

I hope so.

It’s been painful for you to watch this friend fall in love with someone else. You’ve had to smile through a lot of discomfort and unhappiness.

You want space, so if he really plans to reach out every day, you need to set some boundaries. How can you move on if your day revolves around his calls?

The question is how to tell him, and there’s an option here that doesn’t involve the dramatic speech. It’s the one where you enforce your own boundaries without explanation. You decline some of his calls, you stay busy, and you minimize his place in your life without making an official proclamation. You’d drift away for a bit, which might happen after graduation anyway.

But I don’t think that path would satisfy you. You regret not speaking up, and you want to fix that now. It might be a great time to ask for what you need, because a lot of people have the time to listen and want to do what’s best for the people they love.

Don’t make any assumptions about who he’ll tell and how his girlfriend will respond. There’s no way to know, and they might surprise you.

Good luck.

– Meredith

Readers? Tell? Keep the feelings a secret and drift away? See how it feels after moving?

Unrequited Love Crush Relationships

Featured Comment

You never lose by speaking your truth. Tell him how you feel and then give him the space to decide what to do with that information. If nothing else this is a good life lesson that will teach you how important it is to speak up in the future instead of holding something in. Good luck!

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