Should I Worry About Our Sex Life?

Tuesday | July 25, 2023

Love Letters Relationships

Should I Worry About Our Sex Life?

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Hi Meredith,

My fiancé and I have known each other since we were teenagers but began officially dating about five years ago. We are now approaching 30, living together, and planning our wedding. We have a great, busy life. We recently moved to a bigger house, travel often, and have similar views on family, kids, and what we want our future to look like. The problem is our sex life. When we first began dating, we’d visit each other every weekend at our apartments. Our sex lives were active, to say the least. We’d even cancel dinner reservations just to stay home.

Then, when we moved in together a few years ago, we found our routine and it became less frequent. Obviously, long days at the office are less sexy than weekend visits. This was understandable, but still frequent. But now we don’t have sex. Like… maybe once every couple of months? I’ve tried to bring this up repeatedly and my fiancé recently told me that he feels like we’re in a roommate phase. We do have a lot to do for our new house on a regular basis (building furniture, trips to Home Depot, etc.) and it has been taking up our time but won’t this always be the case? If it’s not a new house, won’t it be kids? Or both? We will always have things to take care of. I feel like this should be the time in our lives when sex comes easy. We’re engaged and about to be newlyweds. I am learning that this is something that really weighs on me. And at the same time, I want it to come naturally. Are we not prioritizing romance enough? Is it normal to have these lack-of-sex funks? I don’t know what to do but I love my fiancé and want to fix this.

– Normal?

Normal isn’t really a thing. Everyone is different, and people change over time.

Also, when we compare our sex lives to what we read about or see on TV, we can feel like we’re doing it wrong – in all ways.

Responsibilities and schedules do change our cadence. In my 30s, while others were frolicking and doing whatever, I had a lot of family stuff going on. I was grateful to be single – and would not have been able to maintain romance and an active sex life with a partner. Later, when things got easier, my priorities would shift.

It does sound like you’re missing romance, not just sex, and one tends to lead to the other. You do need time to hang out with your partner, without having to think about the next home or wedding project. Also, sometimes the best path to sex is time alone. Are you together all day? All weekend? If so, stop doing that. You can recreate some of the excitement you had in separate apartments by missing each other. Make sure you’re spending time on your own things, seeing friends, and giving each other space. Then, when you reconvene, it might feel bit different.

Talk about having a fun night – a relaxing night – the kind of night that gave you the buzz you felt when you’d show up at each other’s apartments back in the day. Don’t mention sex; it shouldn’t feel like a requirement for a successful evening. Get back into the routines that led to sex in the first place.

This is good practice for later, when life will be busier. You might be in a roommate/parenting/work phase, and you’ll need to know how to reset.

If the two of you have different feelings about sex, in general, that’s an issue. But if you’re just busy and out of practice, give it time.

– Meredith

Readers? Cause for concern? How do you get out of roommate or parenting routines to find your partner again?

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