She doesn’t tell me important things about her life
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Q.
A friend question. Sally and I have been close for many decades, but her practice of withholding information has really been bugging me lately. Her family has always held their cards close to the chest, especially about travel and medical issues, but she acts surprised when she doesn’t learn of mine instantly.
Days after hearing about my latest medical episode and after telling me she had a wonderful time on a trip, she mentioned that she tripped and fell and was hospitalized. In the past, I’ve countered this behavior by withholding information, which goes against the grain of my usual transparency. This time I called her on it. Her excuse – she doesn’t want to burden me with her misadventures/problems.
I told her what happens to her matters to me and it hurts to hear from mutual friends, or days/months later. How can I reinforce that message?
– Secrets
A.
First, don’t withhold your own stuff. I’m not sure that will help.
Second, accept her as she is. All you can do is ask questions. If she doesn’t want to answer them, that’s her choice.
You’ve told her she isn’t a burden. Really, it might be more complicated than that. Maybe you’re the kind of friend who jumps in to assist, and she’d rather involve you after it’s already over.
Maybe she wants you for happy times, as opposed to scary ones. Does she withhold happy parts of her life, too? If not, great.
If this issue gets in the way of having fun with her, spend less time with her. If you don’t trust her with your own information, consider what that means for the friendship. But if this is just about being in the know at the right time, let her do her thing. Sometimes our friends are like a team of superheroes. You might be more helpful to her as Super Great Lunch and Distractions Friend than Pick Me Up From Sidewalk Friend and Walk My Dog While I’m In The Hospital Friend.
If that’s the case, you’re still powerful.
– Meredith
Readers, how much do you expect to know about friends? Are you OK sharing more than you get from them?
Thinking about a crush, single life, a breakup, a complicated friendship, dating, a divorce, doing none of the above? What’s on your mind? Send your own letter here – or to [email protected].
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