Seeking Permission To Snoop

Monday | June 1, 2015

Love Letters Relationships

Seeking Permission To Snoop

Hi Meredith,

I have been dating this guy, we can call him “Dave,” for a little over a month now. My problem/struggle is that I’m having a tough time trusting him. He’s absolutely amazing and we have a great time together. We live about 30 minutes away from each other and he comes to my place about three times a week because it’s an easier commute. We have agreed not to see other people.

Here’s my problem: After our first date, he made a mistake and kind of took off for a few weeks without any type of communication and just basically dropped me. He apologized for this a few weeks later and I decided to give him another chance. I’m happy I did because now it’s great, and I was pretty upset when the whole no-speaking thing happened because I had thought we had hit it off when we met.

He didn’t make excuses – he basically said he was an idiot for doing it and he understood that he may have ruined things, but never really gave me a reason why. Fast forward to now. I still have this nagging feeling that I need to check up on him, and I have basically been forcing myself not to check his phone for something else going on. I should probably back up and tell you that I was in a very serious relationship before this for four years where I thought I was in something good (living together for three years), and then I was blindsided by a breakup. Two weeks later my ex got engaged to someone he had been talking to behind my back.

I’m over my ex and happier with my life than I have ever been. I know my need to check up on Dave probably has everything to do with my feelings about being burned, but if I have this weird feeling about it, I feel like I need to check things out for myself so I don’t drive myself insane worrying that he’s talking to another person. Is it OK to snoop a little on his phone or am I being the crazy girl?

– Possibly crazy please help!

It’s not OK to check Dave’s phone. You get no snooping pass from me.

It’s also not OK to expect Dave to be super committed right now. You’ve only been together for about a month. It’s fine that you guys decided to be exclusive, but you can’t pretend there’s a deep level of intimacy here.

Instead of obsessing over the phone and Dave’s potential for infidelity, try focusing on how it feels to get to know him. As the weeks pass, are you more confident about the relationship? Do you know more about Dave’s world? Are you having fun? You have to give this time to grow. Remember that everyone feels a little insecure at the start of something new.

Also, please let go of what happened after the first date. Dave didn’t owe you anything back then, and sometimes it takes a while to get things going. Don’t force him to make up for that one-time communication gap by making promises he can’t keep.

Readers? Is she allowed to check the phone? Is this too much commitment for a month-old relationship?

– Meredith

Cheating Relationships

Featured Comment

u0022LW, you are trying to race to the trust with someone that you barely know. It just doesn’t work that way. At this point you have no particular reason to either trust or distrust him because you don’t actually know him. That is what dating is for.nNow, let’s say that we all give you permission to snoop and you found nothing, would it stop at one time or would you have to keep doing it to assure yourself that he wasn’t messing around behind your back.nYou have to get this suspicion under control or you will ruin every relationship until you do.u0022 u002du002d MoVa

Share Thoughts