Dear Meredith,

My boyfriend and I have a big, exciting change coming up, and I would love to hear your thoughts on some anxiety I’ve been experiencing about it. Some background: my boyfriend (I’ll call him James) and I have been together for nearly a year and a half (I am in my mid-20s and he is in his early 30s), and it is the happiest, most stimulating relationship I’ve ever had. James is smart, funny, supportive, and we have excellent chemistry. He recently started his own business — with my encouragement — as a way of building our future. He is without question the person I want to marry, and we’ve had extensive discussions about getting engaged and what a life together will look like. In three weeks he’ll be moving into the apartment that I’ve previously shared with my best friend, who is moving away.

This will be the first time either of us has lived with a significant other. This is where my question lies. I’m very excited about moving in with James, and he has been incredibly flexible in taking on the move now (we had discussed moving in together previously, but sped up the timeline as a result of my roommate’s move). I want him to really feel that the apartment is our home, not just mine. He has lived alone in a bachelor pad/man cave for the last 11 years and does not place a lot of stock in keeping a clean/comfortable home. I, on the other hand, am a nester who loves keeping a nice home, cooking, and organizing. I’m extremely clean and recognize that I can be a bit rigid with my high standards of housekeeping. This, coupled with some natural anxiety that peaks during times of transition, has made me very nervous that I will drive him crazy when he arrives.

I want to maintain our home to the standards that I value, because that is an important part of who I am. But I don’t want to resent him for either doing things “wrong” or for not contributing — and I don’t want him to resent me either. I’ve talked to him about this, and he says that I don’t need to worry, but I do. How can I manage my stress about the situation without over-planning or talking it to death? Should I listen to him and tell him exactly how I want things done, even though I think that makes me sound a little crazy? How do I balance my desires to have things done a certain way with my very real desire to make him feel comfortable in our shared home? I know there will be an adjustment period (there was with my current roommate, though living together made our friendship so much stronger and more beautiful than I ever could have imagined), but I want to make that time productive, rather than tense. Thank you for your advice, and for all the advice I’ve absorbed from other letters over the years.

— Nesting Too Hard?