People Might Think We’re Dating

Thursday | June 15, 2023

Love Letters Relationships

People Might Think We’re Dating

Single and stressed? Coupled but it’s complicated? Have a question about your love life or lack thereof? Submit your own question here. You can also email [email protected]. I’m reading this weekend and ready to answer.

I am a 26-year-old single man, and my friend is a 21-year-old woman. We have known each other for close to two years at this point – we met at a job we used to have and are still friends to this day. We always got along really well. There’s definitely some type of chemistry between us.

However, she is in a long-term relationship and has been for several years. This has been the case for as long as I’ve known her. While I am attracted to her inside and out, I respect her relationship and don’t want to get involved in it in any way. That being said, if she ended up single, I absolutely would want to date her.

She and I have gotten even closer to each other over the past several weeks, having hung out one-on-one a couple times, where we both had a lot of fun just talking to each other. After grabbing lunch with her, she and I visited our old job and caught up with our former coworkers, who we are all part of a big friend group.

I recently hung out with other friends in this same group, and they told me that there are now rumors going around that she and I are dating – rumors that she left her relationship and that we are an item. This is not the case, she is still in a relationship, and she and I are just friends.

Our group is planning to get together and go out this weekend, and my friend and I will be there among others. I am concerned that if we get teased about how we are “dating” each other, it will create an awkward situation for her, given that she is already committed and we are just friends.

Should I talk to her about the rumors being spread? Should I clarify to her that I respect her relationship and don’t want to interfere with it? Should I keep my attraction to her to myself out of that respect, or would it be more respectful to be honest and tell her that I like her but still respect the relationship?

– Clarity

I don’t see a reason to tell her about these rumors. You cleared them up, right? You handled the problem.

If people ask the two of you about your status while you’re out together, you’ll clear things up again – or she will. Honestly, behave like a grownup and all will be OK.

Also, maybe I’m wrong, but I doubt your former coworkers want to push you into a place of discomfort. Are they really that interested in what might be happening here?

This is where I’ll point out that you seem pretty stressed about this. You seem very into this woman, so that makes sense. You didn’t ask whether spending time with her is a good idea, but my unsolicited opinion is: no, or in moderation. If you have an active, nagging, painful crush on her and find yourself daydreaming about what could be – if only she were single – give yourself a break. Keep your distance. Unrequited crushes can use up the energy you might need to bond with someone new.

You don’t have to abandon the friendship, but think about limitations. It would be nice to consider her less, in general.

– Meredith

Readers? Thoughts on what’s happening here?

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