Our age difference has caught up to us

Friday | June 28, 2024

Love Letters Relationships

Our age difference has caught up to us

This may be a bit much for your column. I’ll give it a try anyway.

I am in love with someone I’ve been with for the last 11 years. Although, the relationship is extremely codependent, I feel I’m the the problem. There’s a 10-year age difference, as well. He’s having kind of a “glow-up” as I’m getting older. I’m not been able to maintain my youthfulness, and he’s grown less attracted to me.

We’ve grown apart, and I feel like he holds on because he feels guilty. I don’t have much family, hardly any friends – my whole life has revolved around being this man’s partner.

Should I just fix myself so I can be the partner that he deserves, or should I listen to my gut? No doubt that we have a connection – and a bond severely broken and battered. I don’t know if what we have can be repaired.

I think of my future without him and it makes me so sad, but I truly believe that he might even be happier without me in his life.

– Older

You’re thinking about how to make yourself better for him, whether you can be enough for him, and whether he’d be happier without you.

I’m wondering if you might have a better life if you part ways. Because it doesn’t sound like he can be better for you, love you no matter what, and make you feel like you’re becoming more brilliant as you age.

That doesn’t make him a bad guy, it just means you’re growing apart. You might feel better about yourself if you weren’t living with a reminder of what isn’t there anymore. It would also help if you knew you could be great on your own.

Breaking up would be sad, difficult, and cause grief. But on the other side, there might be some amicable connection – maybe even a friendship with him – and you’d also have room to figure out who you are without him.

You could pursue friendships, hobbies, and order excellent food to eat in front of the TV as you fantasize about the future. You can line up therapy for help as you deal with change.

Your gut is telling you this relationship isn’t something you can maintain. I’m telling you there’s more than this relationship.

– Meredith

Readers? Thoughts on whether the LW and partner can work this out? Or what comes next?

What’s on your mind about your relationship life (or lack thereof)? Ask your own question.Use the anonymous form or email [email protected].

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Featured Comment

What if you started improving your life for yourself (instead of doing it for him)? It sounds like you’re unhappy and unfulfilled in so many ways and that your life doesn’t have its own meaning. It’s possible to start cultivating that stuff while still staying in the relationship. Find local recreational guides and start putting yourself out there. Pursue things you find interesting on your own. This is how you can start figuring out what makes you happy and to possibly start making friends. Those things are important whether you’re in a relationship or not.

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