My Timing Is Off

Monday | March 1, 2010

Love Letters Relationships

My Timing Is Off

I have three pairs of tickets for a local sneak preview of the movie “Remember Me.”
For those who don’t know, “Remember Me” stars Robert Pattinson, whom I fancy. It also features Martha Plimpton, of “The Goonies.”
I don’t know a lot about the film, but it seems to be about two angsty people who fall in love and make out a lot while dealing with their messed up families. Sounds Love Letters-ish to me.
If you want one of the pairs of tickets, send me a paragraph (200 words or less) about an ex you’ll always remember. The three writers who come up with the most riveting/funny/sad/memorable essays will get a pair of passes. Essays are due by 5 p.m. on Wednesday. I’ll announce winners Friday morning. Glenn Yoder will help me judge.
Don’t apply if you can’t be in the Boston area for the screening on Wednesday, March 10th.
Send entries to my Gmail account (meregoldstein at gmail dot com). Subject line should read: “Remember Me Contest.”

Dear Meredith,
I love your column. You are always so realistic with people in a very kind way. That isn’t easy to do.
Here is my conundrum. Recently, I have started to have strong feelings towards a close male friend of mine who lives in New York. We went on 2 dates a couple of years ago when we lived in the same city, but it didn’t work out, mostly because I was going through a very difficult period in my life and wasn’t ready to truly give myself to a relationship. We became very close friends and have always sort of hovered in that friends-or-more-than-friends space. I’d thought about moving it to the next level, but always decided against it, mostly because of the distance issue and fear of losing him as a friend. I’ve tried to start relationships with other male friends before and it has always gone terribly, so admittedly I’ve been nervous and very tentative. Probably too much.
But after the last time I was visited him, in January, I started thinking about my feelings for him again and a couple weeks later, a few of our common friends confronted me about it and told me not to worry about the distance if I really felt something. They suggested that I just go to New York again and tell him how I feel. The weekend in question also happened to be Valentine’s Day, though I kept that out of the equation. I emailed him nervously and he replied the next day, saying how he had also had a great time the last visit and he would be happy to see me, except that he had started seeing a girl and had made plans with her on Valentine’s Day. My heart just sank. Only 3 weeks had passed and out of the blue, he was dating someone.
Now I don’t know what to do. Neither of us has dated anyone seriously in the time we’ve been close friends. Obviously, I’m frustrated at the timing and heartbroken that there’s someone else. Part of me wants to tell him how I feel anyway, hoping maybe he’d pick me because of our history, but the other part thinks that is totally unrealistic and setting myself up for a fall. I have always been very passive in my love life and it has never worked for me. This is a person I could see myself potentially marrying and I hate the idea of just giving up, but I don’t know what else to do. Now I wonder if this is a sign that it isn’t meant to be. Help!!

– Queen of Bad Timing, Brookline

QOBT, I don’t believe in signs. Tell him how you feel.
If he has had feelings for you for years, he’ll want to know that you’re ready to reciprocate. He should know all of the facts before making decisions about this new woman.
Just prepare yourself for the possibility that he may continue to date this woman. You’ve been in and out of his life. He has been exploring his options. Who knows where his head is after all of these years?
But please, as you come clean, put this whole thing in perspective. He’s a good friend. You have feelings for him. You want him to be something more. But that’s all you know. Don’t make yourself feel as though your future husband is on line. You don’t know how it would be to date this guy in the present. It could be great, but it might be underwhelming. Don’t assign him soul-mate-future-husband labels before you’ve really been with him. He’s a friend with potential. That’s all he is. Be honest with him and see if he wants to give it a go.
Readers? Should she tell him or bite her tongue out of respect for his new relationship? Is this about bad timing or something more? Is he has important as she thinks he is? Any bad timing stories you want to share? Do so here.

– Meredith

Relationships