My Husband Was On Tinder

Monday | November 24, 2014

Love Letters Relationships

My Husband Was On Tinder

Dear Meredith,

My husband is sweet and loving, and unfortunately seems to have a roaming eye (or two). We’ve had trust issues in the past, and I recently found out that he downloaded Tinder when I was away on a business trip. He uninstalled it and claimed he was “just curious,” but I’m still hurt about it. I do what I can to be loving and make our sex life exciting, but he is not terribly interested. I’ve never caught him cheating, but I’ve caught him doing other inappropriate things that make me very suspicious.

He recently put a passcode on his phone and he won’t give it to me, even when situations come up where it would make sense to give it to me (like he is driving and I need to unlock his phone, or when mine wasn’t working and I needed to use his). He refuses to share it with me. I’m really hurt and I feel like there is no good reason for him to do this, to be so protective over the code.He says he just wants privacy, but I think the only thing he could really want to keep “private” is stuff with other women.

This, rolled in with other problems, is making me think of actually leaving him. What do you think? Am I over reacting? Does he have the right to keep the code from me without me getting upset?

– Sad in Boston

The code, by itself, doesn’t mean that your marriage is ending. Not every couple shares passwords.

But when you combine the code issue, Tinder, his lack of interest in your sex life, and the “other inappropriate things” that made you “very suspicious,” it’s clear that you’re not overreacting about any of this.

You have every reason to question whether this marriage is working, and that means it’s time for couples therapy. Your husband might not love the idea, but that’s pretty much the only way this commitment can be saved — or understood. Stop asking about the password and tell him that you want to go to a professional to get the help you both need. That’s the only answer here.

Readers? Is it her right to have the code? Is that what this is really about? “Other inappropriate things?”

– Meredith

Relationships