My partner believes conspiracy theories
Q.
Dear Meredith,
For the past few years, the man I love has been falling into the world of conspiracy theories, and believing the theories of nobodies on TikTok rather than history, reality, and fact.
I am definitely not one to say I have all the answers to what is really going on in this world, but I value my lived experience and perceptions as the “real world,” rather than constantly questioning whether we are living in a simulation, as he believes.
He constantly sends me video clips that support his ideas – the pyramids were built by aliens, the moon landing was fake, we are all being controlled by one mind somewhere – and more and more our differing viewports are emerging and ending in fights. I don’t expect I can ever fully agree with him on these issues.
This recent change has me so confused, as I though our love was deep and true and could never change, as it never has for more than 30 years, and now I feel these twinges in my heart of letting go, but my brain is having none of it.
I never expected that a love like ours could change, but here we are, and I don’t know whether to let it go or fight for it.
– Not True Love?
A.
I’m so sorry. You’re talking about grief here.
You’re grieving your relationship. You miss the partner you fell in love with.
It might feel like you’re suddenly living in a simulation. Your old connection went away, and now there’s … this.
My advice might be disappointing. It’s validation, more than anything else. I’m here to agree that your partnership is something new, and that you’ll have to decide whether it makes you happy enough to stick around.
You can start by asking him to go to counseling with you – for your sake. He might have conspiracy theories about the request, but he’ll either go to work on the things … or not. It’ll be useful information.
Also try to figure out what values and beliefs you still share. What’s in the middle of your Venn diagram? A love for each other? A believe in your kids or other family? A desire for travel and vacation? What do you both want from your life together? Perhaps more conversations about that middle ground will remind you (and him) what is, in fact, truth.
If these theories leave no time for the middle – if you can no longer access that sweet spot of common goals – it might be time to go. We hear about divorces because of money, affairs, boredom … all sorts of things. This is another reason. A change in beliefs can alter everything. That is very real.
– Meredith
Readers? Would you be able to stay with someone who changes their beliefs about big things … or someone who doesn’t believe you? Advice for this letter writer?
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