My New Relationship Is Upsetting My Twin

Tuesday | December 14, 2021

Love Letters Relationships

My New Relationship Is Upsetting My Twin

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I just started my first (ever) college relationship. But on top of the million other stressful parts of dating for the very first time, I’m a twin and that really complicates things. My twin sister and I have lived our whole lives together. She is, and always will be, my biggest priority.

Now, I’ve read a lot about how difficult it is for twins to date for two reasons : 1. Twins already have a special relationship that is like a built-in life partner. 2. Partners of twins have a really hard time understanding the importance of our twinship and may feel annoyed/resentful about always being second best.

After I started dating my current boyfriend, my relationship with my twin has never been worse. We’ve lost our friendship and she’s really upset with me all the time, and I completely understand why; it’s new for both of us and she feels left out and replaced. I’m so worried to even bring up his name so I’ve resorted to leaving the house with other excuses and changing his name on my phone so it doesn’t seem like I’m texting him constantly. Sneaking around and dating someone in secret is so stressful and its making my life hell.

However, I’m also really at fault here. I once texted him while my twin was talking as we hung out alone, which was really hurtful because we were on a trip to spend time together. We finally talked about it, and I understood how hurt she feels because I would feel the exact same way. She said, “I always thought I was all you needed but now I realize I’m not.”

I feel so awful and I desperately want the best friendship back. I feel so guilty about dating my boyfriend and I’m wondering if this is all even worth it? We have been dating for a little over a month. Should I break up with him so I can focus on my twin sister or should I try to make this work? He’s a really great guy and I feel so lucky that I met him. He’s kind of perfect but maybe I’m think that because this is my first relationship?

I’ve known my boyfriend for a few months, I’ve loved my twin sister since I was born. She is way more important to me. Right now it feels like my options are: 1. Stay in the relationship and try to make it work. 2. Break up with him when I meet up with him in a few days – then continue to see him in our shared class, which could be difficult. 3. Break up with him right before we both go home for break so I won’t have to see him again after that. 4. Can I ask him to take a break in our relationship so I can focus on my sister for now?

– Twin

I am not a twin, nor have I studied the relationship between twins, but I will say this: It would be very unhealthy – and maybe impossible – for the two of you to do the exact same things, on the same schedule, for the rest of your lives. You are symbiotic humans who share the world as partners, but even partners venture out alone sometimes. The two of you have to learn how to maintain this bond while allowing each other the space to have unique experiences. Especially firsts! Especially romance.

It sounds like you don’t want to break up with this guy – so don’t. It also sounds like you apologized for being on your phone when you should have been present with your sister. At this point, you can tell her you plan to see this experience through, and that you hope you’ll have her support. Tell her that at some point, this will be flipped. You’ll be watching her date someone, move, or take another kind of journey on her own. You want to know that the two of you have the skills to maintain what you have, even when you’re not together.

This anger might be her way of protecting herself. It also might be a way for her to see how she fares on her own. Maybe it’s good for her to talk to other people/friends/family about how she feels. It would be nice if you were both allowed to turn to others, even if it’s not the same as relying on each other.

Try to sit with the discomfort, staying true to yourself, because if you change your life to go back to normal, it won’t be. The bad feelings will still be there, and you’ll have missed out on an experience for no good reason. Plus, you and your sibling will have skipped some important lessons about how to deal with change.

Let her know you’d never wind up with someone who doesn’t understand how important she is. Make it clear you want to maintain your bond, but that you want it to be possible for both of you to venture out into the world without guilt. Also, no more lies. If she knows you as well as you say she does, she probably guesses that you’ve chosen to be dishonest about your private life. That doesn’t help.

Tell her you’ll be here, ready to give her space – or no space at all – depending on what feels right.

Your relationship might not be exactly the same as you get older, but it might get better. Just keep talking.

– Meredith

Readers? Break up with the guy? Stop lying? How do you get through change like this with someone close to you?

Relationships

Featured Comment

This is the first step in separating your lives so you can be autonomous adults. It is painful and challenging as you assume new roles in your life, but it is necessary. You need to pursue this relationship with your boyfriend if only for the purpose of life experience. When you set aside time for your twin, you make her the focus, but your twin needs to get used to the idea that when the two of you are together, it is not always a special time for just the two of you. You need to learn to negotiate with your twin and your boyfriend, and your twin and you need to accept life is about compromise. Otherwise, you are a going to live a vary narrow existence always hinging on your twin’s approval.

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