Dear Meredith,

My friend “Mindy” and I used to be very close. A few years ago, she became infatuated with a guy she met at work who is 20 years older (she was 25, he was 45). She began to aggressively pursue him. He told her he already a girlfriend, but that didn’t stop her. She began doing favors for him (driving him to the airport, cleaning his house, etc.) in order to win him over. She started staying overnight when he was out of town (she had his keys for walking the dog). Eventually, they had sex and he started an affair with her while he was still with his girlfriend. In the beginning, I supported her because we were close friends, but over time she began to change. She became more distant, had less and less time for her friends, and her personality was dramatically different. She was no longer the same outgoing “Mindy,” and I believe this older man is the main reason why.

Last year she called his original girlfriend and told her about their relationship. Since then, she has said she is going to leave him time and time again, but always goes back. He told her the other relationship was over, but she found out he had started seeing his other girlfriend again over the summer. Again, she contacted this other woman and said she was going to leave him, but two days later she was back with him. Now she seems secure in knowing the other woman is out of the picture, but is more distant and isolated than ever, despite claiming to be happy. How do I help her see how unhealthy this relationship is on so many different levels? I have tried before, but she insists that it is “true love” and I couldn’t possibly understand how special what they share is. He cheated on someone else with her, and then on her with the same person, but she actually believes he’ll really be faithful this time! I am worried about her.

– Missing my friend