My boyfriend says I'm controlling

Friday | March 15, 2024

Love Letters Relationships

My boyfriend says I’m controlling

Dear Meredith,

I have been with my boyfriend for more than three years. In the first two years of our relationship, there were issues with infidelity that caused us to take a six-month break, but we ultimately got back together.

Due to these issues, my boundaries with friendships (what I believe is OK/not OK within opposite-sex friendships) have changed. Now I believe it is inappropriate to spend time alone with any new friends or coworkers of the opposite sex unless it is work-related. Old friends from childhood or before we met I don’t care, but if he got dinner or watched a movie alone with a new female friend he met at work/gym/wherever, I would think that is inappropriate. I also believe that any messaging with new opposite-sex friends/coworkers should be polite and professional.

Recently, I discovered he has a coworker whom he messages daily in what I would consider flirty undertones (full of emojis, gifs, “heyyyyy”). They even have cutesy nicknames for each other. My boyfriend thinks this is normal because he says she doesn’t mean anything to him and they are just being friendly. When I asked him if he could try to communicate with her more professionally, he refused.

He says my boundaries are too strict and that I am being controlling. I don’t believe I am, especially because of what happened in our relationship. However, I am now questioning my own opinion because it is true that before we broke up, these situations probably would have made me uncomfortable, but I wouldn’t have said anything unless I knew something physical actually happened. Other than this issue with boundaries, everything else is great and we are very compatible. He has been talking to me about getting engaged sometime this year, and if it weren’t for this issue, I would be ecstatic.

However, I’m having doubts because from my point of view, why would I marry someone who can’t even be bothered to tone down their communication with a coworker who doesn’t mean anything to them, knowing how much it bothers me? I just want to know if I am being too controlling. I don’t want to ruin a great relationship and a potential life partner if I’m actually the one with crazy rules and boundaries. Thanks.

– Unreasonable Boundaries

Don’t get engaged to this person. Not now. Figure this out first.

Your rules seem strict – and a little impossible.

To be honest – and this is just me, of course – but if I met a cool guy at a work and my significant other told me I shouldn’t pursue a friendship with that person, I’d be very sad. And I’d break up with my significant other!

You have your reasons, of course. Your boyfriend cheated. I get it. But … the two of you have either grown, made peace that what happened, and come up with boundaries together … or you haven’t. If you have to spend the rest of your life trying to Rapunzel this man to make sure he’s not connecting with any unknown person, you’ll be pretty miserable. It sounds exhausting.

Not long ago, there was a national conversation (on social media, at least) about a celebrity who may have sent his girlfriend texts about his “boundaries.” It got people talking about what it means to have a boundary – and how we can’t set them for other people. If you’re telling someone else what to do, that’s a rule. Your boundary – for yourself – is that you don’t want to be in a relationship with this man if he’s actively making new, friendly, possibly flirty connections with women. He has told you – clearly – that his own needs make that impossible. He doesn’t want to close himself off to new people who might add to his life.

If the two of you can’t feel at ease in this relationship because of the other person’s boundaries, you don’t want to plan a whole life together.

For many reasons, despite all the good stuff, this doesn’t sound like a match.

It also sounds like it would be nicer to be with someone you really trust.

– Meredith

Readers? Talk about these boundaries/rules. Also, Dan Shaughnessy was on the Love Letters podcast recently, just before he took medical leave. I think you’ll enjoy the conversation.

Send your anonymous letters here or email
[email protected]. Get advice. Help others.

Cheating Friends Jealousy Marriage Relationships

Featured Comment

“You don’t trust him. His track record isn’t good. Why are you continuing in this relationship? You are playing defense, cutting him off at every pass because his behavior is questionable. Do you want to spend the rest of your life consumed with every action he does outside the house? That is hell. You deserve better.You can love someone else who doesn’t text another person and each given cutesy names. That is flirting. I hope you stop. Really stop. Take a breath and think about your life 5-10 years from now….add children and your trapped. I would plan to break up and start envisioning a life without him, living without fear that he will be cheating on you. Invest in someone worthy. He sounds very immature. If not, prepare for decades of regret and grief. Your love for him now, will slowly be chipped away as he makes lame excuses for poor behavior. Good luck.”

Pweet Share Thoughts