My Boyfriend Is Quarantining Himself … From Me

Thursday | April 2, 2020

Love Letters Relationships

My Boyfriend Is Quarantining Himself … From Me

We’re going to skip chat today and try for a nighttime chat next week, when all of your kids are in bed and you’re ready to unwind. I’ll find a date and post. Maybe April 8th at 8 p.m.? Maybe it can be a (dare I say it) Zoom call.

My boyfriend has decided to quarantine himself from everyone, he says. That includes me. However, he is going to work, which involves going to people’s homes (it’s not medical work). So he is around a couple coworkers and maybe a client. Back story a bit – a few weeks ago, I picked him up from the airport. He’d been out of state. He showered when we got to his house, and then we were intimate. I saw him multiple times last week.

This week, the routine changed. Tonight I asked him if he’s quarantining himself from me, too, and he said yes. Then he said that many people around the world are having to tell their partners “I’ll see you after this blows over.” I’m confused why he’s suddenly quarantining himself from me. Is this necessary, when we were intimate this weekend … and then Monday? This is hard! I got us supplies to quarantine together and help each other out. I feel very alone. I live alone. Just thought he’d be here.

– Alone

I’m not surprised that your boyfriend is second-guessing what seemed OK last week. His work requires him to see different clients every day, and every exposure is a new risk that that carries over to you if you see him. Let’s remember that a month ago we were all hanging out in groups of 25 or less. The rules change by the day. Sometimes by the hour.

Clearly there are parters who live together even though one person has to go out into the world. Family of essential workers are vulnerable. It’s just how it goes, and hopefully everyone is doing the best they can to protect themselves. You don’t live with your boyfriend, so this is not a risk you have to take. Maybe you want to – and that’s something to talk about. You can let him know that it’s not that you don’t see the risk, it’s that you’re ready to be in his bunker.

If your boyfriend says he’s trying to keep you safe, try to understand. We’re all feeling responsible for the people we love in new, more intense ways. Of course, as the days go on, he should be working to maintain a connection with you. He should be doing long-distance relationship work, even if you’re in the same zip code. If he avoids that and you find him drifting away, that a different kind of quarantine.

– Meredith

Readers? Have your relationship rules for visits changed right now? How can the LW figure out whether the boyfriend is keeping everybody safe or pulling away?

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Featured Comment

Honestly, if your BF is still going to work, seeing people, going into people’s homes daily u002du002d YOU should be quarantining from HIM. I get it, it’s hard, it’s lonely, but EVERYONE is (or should be) doing it. Suck it up buttercup. Get a puzzle, a book and a few bottles of wine u0026 hunker down.

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