My boyfriend deleted messages from a co-worker

Wednesday | September 11, 2024

Love Letters Relationships

My boyfriend deleted messages from a co-worker

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Also, what’s been on your mind about your relationship life (or lack thereof)? I’d love to read your question. Send your own letter by using the anonymous form or email [email protected].

I found a strange phone number on my live-in boyfriend’s phone statement. We share a phone plan.

When I asked who it was, he said he didn’t know – so I called, and it was a woman.

Come to find out he and this female co-worker had been texting for four days in a row, pretty much all day! They both said nothing happened – he said it was just conversation – but why were the messages deleted if it was just conversations?

Any advice welcome.

– Messages deleted

Maybe your boyfriend has one of those organized phones, where he keeps ongoing, important conversations, but deletes messages that are one-off things about work.

Or maybe not. I have no idea.

But I have to ask: why were you checking his phone records? Do you not trust him, in general? Are you opposed to him having interactions you don’t know about? Does he feel like he has to hide a friendship?

I don’t meant to turn this around on you – he could be having a steamy affair with this woman, for all I know – but your concern about an unknown number suggests you believe you have reason to worry about infidelity, or that you consider back-and-forth texts to be evidence of infidelity.

If you went into that phone bill suspicious, please think about why. Also consider why you felt the need to quiz your partner’s co-worker about her intentions. You became a detective, and I’m not sure it helped anyone.

I get the sense from your letter that you can’t trust your boyfriend to have a private life. That means the relationship needs work. I suggest talking about it in with a professional (in therapy), and also having an honest discussion with your boyfriend about boundaries – as in, what’s fine, what feels weird, and what works for both of you.

People are going to text friends, make new connections, and do practical things – sometimes all day. If you can’t trust him to do that, there’s a bigger problem.

– Meredith

Readers? Is this the same as checking someone’s phone without their permission? If he was having an affair, would he have used his own phone? Why would he delete the messages if it was just conversation?

I’d love to read your question. Send your own letter by using the anonymous form or email [email protected].

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Featured Comment

Even IF your suspicions are warranted, the moment you feel the need to become hawkish in your relationship, it’s over. Nothing healthy can come out of surveilling your partner. Either he did something to break your trust and your self-esteem is so low you’d stay anyway, or you have a lot of personal issues with feeling insecure in relationships that have nothing to do with him. Both are your problem to deal with regardless of who started it, and right now you’re not handling it in a healthy or productive way.

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