Moving With Him Has Been Difficult

Friday | September 23, 2016

Love Letters Relationships

Moving With Him Has Been Difficult

Dear Meredith,

My boyfriend and I have been together for three years. We just moved in together a few months ago. Not only did we just move in together, but we moved to another state. A state where he already has roots (he went to college here, has family and friends in the area). Whereas I know nobody, except through him, and I started a brand new job. His job stayed the same.

I feel like this transition has been a little more difficult for me – leaving my friends and my job, on top of creating a whole new routine and schedule in a different place. I’m definitely starting to feel more comfortable in this new setting, but my boyfriend and I are struggling.

I understand that living together is a big change and I expected that. But I didn’t expect that I would feel less interested in him, and to be honest, we don’t have sex, and that is the big issue for us. Because other than that, cohabiting has been pretty easy since we are both considerate and communicative. But with sex, he wants to but I don’t. We communicate well and talk about this often. We’ve come up with plans to help reduce the amount of time we are around each other because I’ve voiced that I need space and room to breathe.

We also live close enough to our old city for me to go back and visit by myself, which I have plans to do. Generally, I feel I’m perhaps depressed and that is why my interest in sex is lacking. Or I’m so focused on myself (getting a job, making friends, getting a new routine, settling in) that I’m unable to focus on anything else (like him and his needs). It’s not fair to him, yet I just want him to understand what my mind is going through.

I hope it’s just a phase, but who knows. I think we might need couples therapy. What do you think? I actually wrote to you about 1.5 years ago about moving with him and you responded. And here I am.

– What Happened?

I hope the guy from Scotland isn’t reading this letter. Or maybe he should.

You did a great job outlining why you’re having trouble with this move, and therefore less interested in having sex with your boyfriend. The only thing I’d add is that you might be dealing with some intense resentment. Because you moved for your boyfriend, right? That might be clouding your ability to have fun with him like you used to. It might take a while to separate him from your feelings of discomfort.

I like your ideas for coping with this change, specifically the one about visiting your former home. Sometimes when you go home you remember – in a good way – that it’s not home anymore. Sometimes it’s good context – and a good break.

As for therapy, I’m all for it, but maybe just for you right now. You say you want your boyfriend to understand what you’re going through, but you have to figure that out for yourself first. It might be easier to focus on his needs if you have a place where you can talk about your own.

– Meredith

Readers? Will these feelings go away with time? Will visits home help?

Living Together Relationships

Featured Comment

I don’t think you are doomed. Transitional periods in life can be very difficult and that stress can manifest itself in various ways. In your case a lack of desire for your guy. When I was closing in on 30, my girlfriend and I moved to Florida (first big move away from our hometown). I was not (am not) a person prone to mood swings/depression etc. But for some reason I fell into a funk for about four or five months after that move. I eventually broke out of it and now consider the move a great experience. Perhaps you’ll have a similar experience. Or not. But I recommend you don’t make any rash decisions to bail out.

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