Your question reminds me of a May letter about kindness vs. flirting, but your issue is so much bigger – and harder to dissect.

You’re hitting on something so important when you ask where all of this “men and women can’t be friends” stuff comes from.

In my humble opinion, it’s centuries of misogyny – a lot of which comes from women, just as much as men. It might not be malicious at all, just a default way of thinking. Many of us were raised to believe that women are on display for approval or rejection, or to be competition for other women. 

Even the most evolved people might walk into a room and see women a certain way, whether they want to or not.

I do think this has changed a ton, and is very different in 2025. That’s why my first piece of advice is to find some younger friends who might have different values. Millennials with similar hobbies might love your attitude about friendship. I’m not even sure younger millennials know the word “cougar” in that context. It’s a Gen X creation for sure.

It might also help to give people time – and the benefit of the doubt. Sometimes, when a person meets us, they are trying to guess whether we’re friend material, open to dating, or simply being nice to them over one cup of coffee. Often, everyone fumbles through it. You can give cues like, “I’m looking for a nice group of friends who also like skiing” (or whatever your hobby is). Tell them what you seek, be kind, and see if they stick around.

I could write a thesis on the “football channel” thing you brought up, but instead I will hope that my women sports journalist friends come up with pseudonyms and share their thoughts in the comments section. I would love to read their thoughts!

– Meredith

Readers? Is this an over-50 thing or an issue at all ages? A problem for heterosexual people? Have you had a different experience? How have you made friends, regardless of gender, age, and relationship status? Is this about the bar thing? That this is happening at bars?

What’s on your mind about your relationship life? Friendships, romantic relationships, family? Send an anonymous question through the form – or email [email protected]. I will be reading this week.