He Made Family Plans Without Talking To Me First
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Q.My husband and I have been married for less than a year. While dating, we decided to alternate holidays with each family. When my family hosts, they always invite his family (and his family attends). For a recent holiday, it was my family’s turn to host, but we have a sick relative, so we weren’t ready to confirm our plans.
My in-laws put tremendous pressure on my husband to figure out our plans ASAP so they could make sure they could see us. That felt a bit uncomfortable to me, but I understood the desire for us to see both families, so I agreed to try to make it work. I was waiting to hear more from my parents.
My husband then went behind my back and invited his extended family and friends over to our place for a different meal. I felt completely betrayed, not only because it’s my family’s turn to host, but also because he didn’t bother checking with me before inviting everyone over. He understands my frustration and did offer to cancel the whole thing, but I didn’t want my in-laws to resent me.
Should I have asked him to cancel? In the future, should I go with my family and let him host alone? (He took great offense to this suggestion.) Am I right to be frustrated?
– On Holidays
A.It sounds like he understands his mistake, and that next time, no matter the occasion, there will be a discussion to ensure that you both buy into the plan. That’s the most important thing here, that he learned that unilateral decisions don’t work in your marriage.
It would have been OK to ask him to cancel; your in-laws – and your husband – need to understand that as everyone gets older, your holiday routines might change. All of these traditions are temporary. Big families have to be flexible.
For the record, I don’t think it’s a big deal for couples to go their separate ways on holidays. Really, I think it’s nice for families to have quality time without in-laws present. But if your husband is offended by the suggestion, it won’t work for you. That means you’ll have to come up with compromises you can get behind as a team. You can assume that’s what will happen next time. For now, let this go.
– Meredith
Readers? Do you see family without your spouse? How do you combine families on holidays?
Be civil. Be kind.
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