Hi Meredith,

I have been dating a sweet man for about four months now, and by all indications neither one of us is going anywhere and we are crazy about each other. Before we met I had been single for several years and he was married for almost 10 years. He is currently going through a divorce (they’ve been split for well over a year) and there is a child involved.

Neither one of us is looking for marriage or children in the future (we are both 40), and from his stories I know he’s had an active dating life since the breakup. As someone who has been through a divorce, I know that another serious relationship is the last thing on the brain after a bad breakup, and that seeing people casually is fun. I did it myself for a long time after my divorce.

We haven’t had an official talk about our relationship status yet, but I’m at his house practically every night, and he has met all my family and friends and I have met his. We are making plans for trips and events as far as into summer of NEXT year. Overall I have an amazing feeling about us. He makes me feel wanted in a way I haven’t felt in a very long time.

Here is where things get tricky, and of course Facebook is involved. He posted a picture on his page about something random, and then he had a little back and forth with a female friend that was kind of flirty. It’s really not a big deal, but I noticed that she is liking and commenting on practically everything. Still not a big deal really, but I had a gut feeling.

Cut to about a week ago. We threw a party at his place for a tons of people and we both got very drunk. He went to bed when the party dissipated and I was cleaning up when I noticed his phone. It was unlocked. I did what I always said I wouldn’t do and have never done — until now. I had to look, and I sadly found what I was looking for. I read every message I could find. He was talking to her and they met to hook up at his house one day while I was at work, about a month after we started dating. Moving forward, the exchange seems mostly one-sided (from her) and he is clearly playing the fade, obviously he never tells her about me. I find out she is married. When she asks, he says he has no intentions of getting serious, to which she says she doesn’t want the hook up anymore, but she still wants to be friends, which he agrees to (this is about one month ago — three months in for us). From what I can tell, they are looking to get together just for drinks soon, but I don’t know if it will happen.

There are so many things I’m struggling with. I feel awful for invading his privacy, I am angry at myself for not trusting him, but (sadly) my gut is never wrong. While I know that we had just met and we were not serious yet (that hookup I mentioned doesn’t really bother me, I was seeing other people for about a month too), my main problem is that I feel like he really wanted to leave his options open by not ending things with her sooner and clearly, or maybe he just didn’t want to be the bad guy (I’ve been on both ends of that conversation before).

Aside from a couple dates in the beginning, after the first month I knew I wanted to be with just him. Bottom line, I’m afraid that the “just friends” thing isn’t going to last. I’m afraid she is going to cave in and ask him to fool around again, and I don’t really know for sure that he would say no but I want to believe he will. Part of me wishes I didn’t look and I didn’t know, part of me says to just leave, and part of me wants to admit what I’ve done even though that will likely ruin everything and things won’t last anyway.

I have no idea what to do. Is there any hope for this relationship or is it ruined?

– Confused Yet Hopeful