Love Letters: She Doesn’t Want To Break Up

Tuesday | October 28, 2014

Love Letters Relationships

Love Letters: She Doesn’t Want To Break Up

Hey Meredith,

I just broke up with my girlfriend of a year because she continually contacted her ex and allowed her ex to contact her, even after multiple promises that there would be no more contact. (Her ex still held huge torch for her and let her know it at every moment.) I gave her every opportunity to stop our relationship to figure that situation out. She assured me that she was over her but she just felt bad that her ex was hurting without her. I told her that she was hurting her with the contact — never mind damaging our relationship. She never saw it that way. In the end, the trust is gone.

She told me that she shouldn’t feel like the bad guy, and that I should feel bad for her because she got involved with me too soon after breaking up with her ex. She didn’t expect to fall in love with me and had to deal with a break up and falling in love all at once.

Now she wants me back and says she realizes that her ex is just a friend. She wants to marry me tomorrow — I told her I’d rather go to counseling.

Any thoughts?

– Dazed, Newburyport

This woman doesn’t seem ready for a relationship, at least not the kind that’s good for you. She spent most of your time together tending to her ex. You spent a year questioning whether she was really done with her last relationship. You could go to counseling … but why?

You’ve said nothing about the strengths of this partnership and what you’re trying to save. Are you hanging on because things were great — or because you’ve already invested a year in this relationship?

Don’t be afraid to walk away. Your ex’s new, overenthusiastic take on commitment doesn’t make up for a year of questions.

Readers? Is this worth saving? Counseling?

– Meredith

Relationships