Love Letters: I’m The Parent In The Relationship

Tuesday | November 11, 2014

Love Letters Relationships

Love Letters: I’m The Parent In The Relationship

Hey Meredith,

I have the opposite problem of the author of “I’m the loser in the relationship.”

My girlfriend and I have been together for three years. Throughout the relationship she has leaned on me financially. Initially it was small and manageable, like I would pay every time we went out. Fast forward three years and the dependency has grown much, much bigger and it is starting to burden me. I am rather ambitious and sometimes I feel like she’s holding me back from meeting my goals. I have never used those words, but I have let her know many times that it bothers me when I don’t see her trying. For instance, right now, she has a part time job where she works four hours, three days a week, and I just don’t feel like she’s putting in enough effort.

The biggest issue for me is that she grew up in an extremely wealthy family and never really had to work for her money and I feel like that’s carrying over into this relationship. Don’t get me wrong — she is truly an amazing and compassionate human being who loves me so deeply. And we are aligned on every other issue in life so it’s really surprising that we are so disconnected on this topic.

So my question is: How can I communicate my frustrations to make a lasting change? I sometimes feel like I’m playing a “parent role” in this relationship and, as you can imagine, it’s driving a wedge in the intimacy we (used to) share.

– Please Help, Brookline

You have to tell her all of this — especially the part about feeling like the parent in the relationship. She needs to know where the wedge is coming from.

But before you have that talk, consider what you want for your future so you can be articulate about your needs. Do you long for a partner who’s just as passionate and motivated about work? Or is this about respect and contribution to the relationship? You can’t ask her to be someone she’s not, but you can ask for help.

In the long run, you can have different philosophies about work (sometimes that’s a nice balance), but you must be on the same page about money. Find out whether she understands your burden and how she thinks this situation will look in the future.

Readers? Can this work? What should the letter writer tell her?

– Meredith

Relationships