Hi Meredith,

I am writing to get your readers’ take/advice on certain things that don’t add up about an “individual” I met on a dating website. I don’t profess to be a pious man who’s without fault. My previous marriage crumbled because I focused on my career more than the relationship. I neglected my significant other but there were never any problems with infidelity, addiction, or abuse.

Before I met with “individual” for the first time, I looked them up and found out they had a past (was married, relationship ended badly with both getting arrested and more). Even though we connected on other levels and really became friends, I could not help but notice alarming behaviors from “individual.” Every Sunday evening or Monday morning this individual breaks up with me. I’m starting to get the feeling that I’m being used to pay for dates. Also, one minute we are boyfriend and girlfriend then the next minute I’m not what individual is looking for in a relationship. My only problem is whenever this happens, I accept it and try to move on with my life, but individual keeps calling and wants to go out. I give in; we become close again only to have another senseless breakup.

From the beginning, I’ve tried to get individual to reveal their past. They have blatantly lied to my face not knowing that I had looked them up. I would ask questions such as: “Have you ever had a bad break-up?” “How are you when angry?” “Has a significant other ever put their hands on you?” The “individual” always chalked up their divorce to their significant other being “a cheater and pathological liar.”

This past Sunday, individual tried to break up with me again after a weekend that started with us going out for dinner on Friday night, and individual asking me to spend the night for the first time (I requested that we sleep in separate rooms). We spent the whole day together on Saturday with walks by the beach and lunch together, then we met up at church on Sunday. After church individual sat me down to tell me that I was not what they were looking for, I don’t have certain qualities … blah, blah, blah.
I finally told individual what I knew and explained to them that they’re the only person who’s talking and acting in a false way. Told them I was done and expressed my thoughts on how they still haven’t recovered from the breakdown of their previous marriage; that I was not willing to go back and forth in what seems to be the beginning of a very dysfunctional relationship.

Individual still texts, calls, and refuses to let me move on, wants to keep dating and talking because they really like me, but doesn’t want to fall into their old patterns. I feel bad for individual but unfortunately I cannot be their knight in shining armor. I’m also afraid that something else may be happening here that I’m unaware of.

I want to make a clean break once and for all. What’s the most civil way to break it off and keep individual away?

– Sorry for the long letter …