I started dating my boyfriend about 10 months ago. We have similar values, interests, and we just have a lot of fun together. It’s early, but we’ve both acknowledged that this has long-term/marriage potential. (I’m in my 30s and I have a pretty good sense of what I want, as does he.) There is of course one “but,” and it’s his family and how they interact with each other.

His family is very welcoming to me. He is very close to his family and it’s one of the things I found very attractive about him when we first started dating. I have a large family that is very important to me and we both spend a fair amount of time with our relatives. Early on, we starting doing dinners and events with each other’s families, which I enjoyed. However, his family frequently screams at each other. My boyfriend doesn’t participate in the yelling, but his siblings do, and he and I have never interacted this way. My family isn’t perfect and has had moments of yelling, but I guess this is just very strange to me as I’ve never been around this amount of hostility. I have a sense that his family doesn’t see it this way and this is just how they have always handled minor frustrations and conflicts. (The disagreements/yelling are usually about silly things and not huge conflicts as far as I can tell.)

I’m no pushover but I guess I’m just sensitive to yelling and always have been. I have always seen losing your cool as a weakness, which isn’t the best world view either. I’m worried about how I am going to deal with this when I spend a longer amount of time with my boyfriend and his family on an upcoming family vacation. While I’m really happy to be included, I’m just worried about feeling uncomfortable if some family disagreements arise. I want to talk to my boyfriend about this but I’m not sure how to bring it up without insulting his family. I want him to know that sometimes I might need to remove myself from the situation. I’m worried about coming off as judgmental or sending a message that I expect his family to change their dynamic when I am around (I don’t, that’s ridiculous).For what its worth, I also sense that it makes him a bit uncomfortable.

So how do I bring this up? Do I just try to ignore it and remove myself when needed?

Appreciate your advice, and of course the commenters!

– Family Matters, Brookline