Love Letters: He’s Unsure At 10 Months

Tuesday | September 23, 2014

Love Letters Relationships

Love Letters: He’s Unsure At 10 Months

Hello,

I’m 26 and have been with a man for 10 months who is 10 years older. Everything was going really well. I am crazy about him as he is good looking, confident, has a great job, and is consistent and kind.

He has only had short-term relationships lasting about two years. He has never brought anyone home to his family and never went on trips with a girl until me.

About five months ago he professed his feelings for me and said I was the first girl he’s ever wanted to marry and have children with. I did not provoke this but was elated when I heard it. I held onto that moment and went about the days giving more and more of myself. I met his siblings. I am supposed to meet his parents in a few weeks, but now that plan is up in the air.
We went out last week and he said he wanted to keep taking things slowly and that he is unsure about what he wants because he still wants to go out with his friends and do all that fun stuff. I totally get it and have been very considerate of his needs — he never has to ask for space or anything. I am always happy around him and don’t feel like I have pressured him, except for wanting to see him more at some point.

Then last week he told me he was unsure, and that if it’s not me, there are other girls. I was heartbroken. He said that he is not at a point where he is ready to sacrifice his independence for marriage and I am totally fine with that! I am unsure if I want marriage and kids, but I do know that I eventually want to be more connected and living with my boyfriend. I haven’t been able to get over these words but I am choosing to stay for now.

My question is, do I back off and keep mum about the situation or start planning an exit strategy?

– Lost

You need to get specific about what you want and ask him whether he wants to stay together. Say, “I want to see you a few times a week, and in a few months, if it’s still good, I want to talk about moving in.”

He’s psyching himself out and jumping to conclusions about what you desire. It’s causing him to say awful things and to go out of his way to prove that he’s still a bachelor. Make sure he understands the facts and that he gives you a clear message about how he wants to proceed.

Explain that if he isn’t open to your timeline and wants to consider his options, that’s OK. Breakups happen. At 10 months, you know you want more of him. If he wants less of you, you can walk away.

You don’t want to be in a relationship that’s all about making the other person stay. You don’t want to feel like an obligation — like you’re not part of the “fun stuff.” If he needs to cling to his definition of independence, you can go be 26 and single. That’s not a bad alternative.

Readers? Should she plan an exit strategy? Is he just freaking out because this is more serious than past relationships? Is this why he never got past two years with the others?

– Meredith

Relationships